For Cancer North Node people, the tendency to control is the
major pitfall in their intimate relationships. It’s so automatic, they
don’t even know they’re doing it. They are always two steps ahead,
attempting to manage the other person’s behavior by mitigating
their own. For example, if they sense that their partner feels trapped
and is about to leave the relationship, they may take a vacation to
give the other person more space so he or she will stay. They are all
too willing to sacrifice their own feelings and needs for the sake of
keeping those around them satisfied and “under control.” But when
they do this, no one wins.
These folks are actually extremely sensitive to emotion, both
their own and the emotional reactions of others. Others perceive
them as being insensitive, but in fact they are too sensitive and
don’t know how to handle the feelings that arise in themselves and
others. Until they have developed a system that allows them to
experience their “feeling” connections with other people with
confidence and ease, their automatic response is to try and control
either themselves or others because this eliminates the issue of how
to deal with feelings. They try to organize their partners so they can
control the relationship, but this bypasses the element of caring.
Ultimately they feel alienated.
When Cancer North Node people are operating unconsciously,
they often give more importance to maintaining a smooth working
relationship and getting their way than to the moment-to-moment
interplay of what’s actually going on. They may place severe
limitations on their own behavior—acting the way they think their
partner wants them to be—in order to control the situation. Their
subconscious thinking is: “I’m allowing you to control me;
therefore you will be what I want.” It’s all geared toward creating
predictable, stable situations they can count on—at the expense of
the vitality of true emotional sharing, connection, and intimacy with
the other person.
Sometimes these folks perceive emotions as a weakness. When
others become emotional, they close down and feel cold inside, as
the emotions trigger their instinct of wanting to take advantage of
all opportunities! When this occurs, their best bet is to consciously
not take advantage of the situation. Their challenge is to simply be
there without trying to assert control. Then, after they have relaxed,
they will instinctively know what to do that will be genuinely
helpful.
They are so accustomed to taking responsibility that they tend to
think they are responsible for other people’s feelings. They think
everything depends on them. Again, this can lead to suppression of
their emotions so as not to upset the other person. But they are
doing no one a favor by hiding who they really are and what they
feel. In fact, hiding their feelings and fears prevents full restoration
of the health of the situation. One of the greatest lessons Cancer
North Node people are learning is to not suppress their own feelings
for the sake of another person.
In fact, these folks must make sure their feelings are being
acknowledged and their needs are being met. If they don’t take care
of their own needs, they won’t be able to help others. In fact, when
they do what they need to find happiness and fullness within
themselves, they set their partners free and their relationships thrive.
Until Cancer North Node people have established their own
emotional identity, they internalize the emotions of others: When
those around them become upset, they become upset as well. Then
they seek to control the other person so they can feel in control of
themselves. They respond to a crisis with instant advice; in fact,
they have a talent for helping others get on top of things. But owing
to their habit of suppressing their own feelings, they tend to
suppress others’ feelings as well. When someone becomes upset,
their first instinct is to deny that person’s feelings and urge him or
her to be calm and rational. These folks have compulsive tendencies
to take charge and restore order—often before they have a full
understanding of the situation. They need to avoid the temptation to
give advice before they’re asked and instead focus on the nurturing,
emotional energy they can share with others. They need to
recognize and accept people’s fluctuating moods as part of the
larger picture.
Sometimes these natives indulge in emotional outbursts—getting
angry, “blowing up,” becoming insulted—as an avoidance of
feelings and a way of bringing the situation to an end.
Subconsciously, they use the outburst as a defense against feelings
that are surfacing within them. They blow up and get over it right
away, but in the meantime they’ve intimidated everyone and got
them all back in line, so they don’t have to deal with the underlying
feelings. Emotional outbursts can be another way of staying in
control. Others don’t want to get into conflict, so they walk on
eggshells around these folks—and once again, the natives feel
lonely and isolated but don’t know why.
Subconsciously, Cancer North Node people are trying to avoid
emotions because they don’t know how to handle them. One of their
challenges is to learn to deal with situations in which they feel
inadequate without becoming angry. One thing they can do is to
consciously be more patient with the person facing them. They
could be curious about the other person and ask questions to better
understand the situation. When they begin to see the larger picture,
they are usually able to reach an agreement without running
roughshod over everyone’s feelings in the process. Sometimes their
caring about the other person’s position relaxes the resistance, and
the other person will help them figure out how to get what they
want. Because in this incarnation Cancer North Nodes are learning
to relate to others on a “feeling” level, rather than a mental level,
they need to slow down. In order to offer suggestions that others
will be receptive to hearing, they first need to establish emotional
rapport. This takes time. Once the other person feels understood
emotionally, he or she will be open to the advice these folks have to
give.
Cancer North Node people are long-standing achievers who give
excellent advice. When they hear a problem, their focus on success
and resolution is so strong that they automatically see a successful,
practical solution. Ironically, they often attract people who have the
problems they themselves need to learn about in their own lives. By
listening to the answers that flow through them to nurture others,
they will know what they must do themselves. This also helps them
feel connected.
The choice facing Cancer North Node people is one of control
versus caring. Whenever they respond to a situation with the motive
of control, they lose. Whenever they respond from a position of
caring and wanting to be supportive, they win. Thus, an important
thing to do before making a telephone call about which they feel
insecure, or before interfering in a situation, is to take a moment and
identify their motive. In this way they can know if they are on solid
ground in taking action. If they are coming from a place of genuine
concern about the other person, when they interact the other person
will feel it and respond accordingly.
Cancer North Node people don’t realize how controlling they
appear to others. They come into this lifetime fixated on
accomplishing whatever needs to be done, and they often are so
absorbed in the task at hand that they are unaware of the feelings of
the people involved. Then, when others become upset, these natives
feel isolated and don’t understand what happened.
For example, I had a Cancer North Node client who bought a
home in a condominium. She wanted to help make sure her
community was running smoothly, so she volunteered to be one of
the grounds supervisors. Her job was to “walk the grounds” once a
week and issue citations to residents who were breaking community
rules (parking where they shouldn’t, playing the radio too loud,
etc.). She took her job very seriously, and soon she had lots of
enemies. She was so focused on doing the job that she forgot to
consider how people might feel about receiving citations. Cancer
North Nodes are learning to consider the other person’s perspective
and think about how they themselves would feel if positions were
reversed. This helps them gain confidence in knowing how to
interact with others in ways that bring successful results.
Owing to past life authoritarian experiences, they sometimes
appear to be “all business” to others. This is a loss for both sides:
Both people feel uncomfortable relating to each other. The problem
is that Cancer North Node people assume that everyone wants the
same things they want, so they don’t care what it takes as long as
the goal is accomplished. But other people don’t think that way—
much to these natives’ surprise—and may not be clear on how the
“order” they just received fits into their plans. They may need an
explanation of how their task is part of the larger picture. Others
have not been as goal oriented as Cancer North Nodes in past lives,
and they may not see the strategies that are so obvious to these
natives. Therefore, Cancer North Nodes must slow down and take
the time to communicate; and sometimes they must be willing to
not know the answer.
For example, in the case of the woman with the condominium,
rather than issuing a citation right off the bat she might have gone to
the “offender,” made sure the rule had been understood, and
discussed why the rule was to everyone’s advantage. She might
have asked how the “offender” would enforce the rule. Cancer
North Nodes need to be willing to not come from an “on top”
position; they should allow others to offer suggestions for getting
the job done. In this situation the “offender” may have said: “Don’t
worry, I’ll move the car right now so you won’t have to issue a
citation. Thank you for letting me know!” The idea is that there’s
more to life than “getting the job done”—there’s the satisfaction of
connecting with others in mutually helpful ways.
What Cancer North Node people really want in their
relationships is to feel secure and know they are loved for who they
are. Yet they make this almost impossible because when they don’t
reveal themselves, how can others know them and love them? The
greatest challenge for these folks is to allow themselves to be
vulnerable. Taking the risk of revealing their feelings establishes
their emotional identity for themselves as well as for the other
person, but to them it feels as if their very survival is on the line—
it’s overwhelming! Yet these are the very steps they must take to be
happy, relate successfully with people, and feel at home.
These folks can be real loners. They’re so afraid to acknowledge
their feelings that it’s hard to risk letting other people get close.
They don’t want to get hurt. What they are learning, however, is
that fear of getting hurt is far worse than actually experiencing their
most intense feelings. They shy away from their feelings because
they are unfamiliar; but as they practice revealing them, they’ll find
a new depth to their life and a tremendous sense of satisfaction.
Feelings add color and substance to life—a whole realm of personal
enjoyment without which life on this planet would be dry, flat, and
forlorn.
Cancer North Node people fear being overcome by feelings and
losing control. However, they never have to worry about being
permanently overpowered by their feelings because they have no
desire to be irresponsible. Even if they were to find themselves
swept in a negative direction, they could always escape by simply
exercising their innate ability to take charge. They are learning to
trust that feelings are temporary—like the tides of the ocean. If
experienced and released, they offer a constant variety of moods
and sensations.
Feelings add a dimension to life that makes possible a complete
connection with others. To connect with others only through the
mind leaves relationships painfully lacking. In this lifetime, these
people are learning that when they take others’ feelings into
account, they gain an expanded appreciation of all the subtle facets
of the other person. And by sharing their own feelings, Cancer
North Nodes give the other person a more complete appreciation of
themselves.
For example, if a Cancer North Node person is feeling very
affectionate toward someone but doesn’t show it, there is no
communication. But if she does show it, then both people have the
opportunity of connecting on the same wavelength. Feelings are
conveyed through body language as well as words. If these folks are
feeling affectionate, it is not a mistake to follow their impulse by
hugging the other person or taking his hand.
Their subconscious urge to control often keeps them “in check,”
always doing what’s “correct,” but this only postpones the reality of
what they are feeling. They may spend a lot of time in manipulative
thinking: “If I do this, this will happen; if I do that, that will
happen”—it all becomes strategy. But they ultimately outmanipulate themselves and miss opportunities to enjoy the “feeling”
side of life until they learn to trust their feelings to guide them in
their relationships.
In this incarnation, Cancer North Node people must let honesty
be the bottom line, rather than what is “socially acceptable.” These
folks are learning that when feelings are not communicated and
acted on, there is no “endless opportunity.” Emotions must be
acknowledged when they arise. These folks must not think
themselves out of acting on their feelings. This may be a solitary
path, in that most people would not recommend that anyone always
honestly communicate what’s going on. But for these folks,
authenticity is the only correct path.
Cancer North Node people need to ask themselves: If a
relationship isn’t based on a truthful connection, what is at the core
to see the partners through the tough times? These folks want and
need to experience intimacy; the way to create it is to be vulnerable
rather than controlling. It may be easier to express positive feelings,
but they need to remember that their intention in communicating
fear, sadness, concern, frustration, anger, or insecurity is not to
justify or prolong these feelings, but to expose them so they can be
released. When these natives suppress such feelings, it doesn’t
work.
Other nodal positions may not have a problem being themselves
and letting others see how they feel, but for Cancer North Node
people it is a challenge that requires a great deal of courage. They
need to reveal and communicate their true feelings. They must
express feelings verbally, with no other motive than disclosing their
inner selves. Then, if the other person invalidates them in any way,
they will know it is a person with whom they cannot share a true
affinity. However, this approach gives those with whom the natives
can develop nurturing, warm supportive relationships a chance to
know them.
In past lives, because Cancer North Node people were always the
responsible ones, they had to be able to justify everything they said
or did. They became wary of speaking before they had considered
all the possible repercussions. The good news is that in this
incarnation these folks don’t have to justify anything—they have
permission from the universe to simply be who they are and share
what they feel, without taking responsibility for how others
respond. They don’t even have to know why they feel what they
feel; yet sometimes the process of communicating feelings gives
them insight into what is going on or gives the other person an
understanding that promotes constructive feedback.
All Cancer North Node people have to do is communicate what
they know at the time. For example: “I’m feeling uneasy with what
you said, but I’m not sure why.” “When you said that, I started to
feel angry. I don’t know why, but I just wanted to let you know
what’s going on.” “I feel nervous, and I seem to be responding by
talking a lot.” “I know this is what we agreed on, but as the situation
has unfolded, I feel uneasy with the agreement.” Regardless of what
they fear will happen, when these natives actually risk sharing their
feelings and let others see where they’re coming from, the situation
will resolve in a mutually empowering way. Cancer Node people
had a complicated pattern of past lives, yet it’s a simple path of
Right Action for them in this lifetime.
For these folks, security and confidence come from a conscious
motive of supporting others. When this support is clearly based in
equality, their relationships thrive. However, they had so little
traditional family experience in past lives that they tend to get
“stuck” in playing one role only: the authoritarian/dictator/“father”
type. They are so accustomed to responsibility, organization, and
control that they think others can’t take charge as well as they do.
Thus, when an emergency (or even the hint of an emergency) arises,
they jump right in and start organizing everyone—it’s automatic!
Cancer North Node people always want to know where others are
going and what they’re doing because they’re so accustomed to
taking responsibility for every situation. But they’re learning that
there’s a difference between support and usurping the responsibility
for others’ lives. One of their challenges is to understand the foibles
of others without making judgments or trying to correct the
situation.
To counteract the tendency to play the “father” role, one of their
best bets—male or female—is to allow themselves to assume a
nurturing, supportive “mother” role. For balance, these folks need to
learn from the feminine role: receiving energy and responding
authentically from the heart. This softens them and allows others to
receive and benefit from their energy. Cancer North Nodes need to
understand other people in terms of their insecurities, not just in
terms of their authority; then they won’t feel intimidated and can
relate as equals.
Here is an example of the father/mother contrast. When others
become upset, the “dominating father” aspect of Cancer North
Nodes tends to tell the other person what to do to dispel the
negative feelings. They inadvertently invalidate others’ feelings
(this is also the way they treat themselves), but it causes others to
feel unacknowledged and unnurtured. In this lifetime, Cancer North
Node people are learning to develop empathy. They must listen to
others and understand their pain, just as a mother understands the
pain of her child; their understanding will help heal the wound. To
say to the child “I’ll kiss it and make it better” is not as logical as
saying: “Next time, avoid putting yourself in that situation and you
won’t get hurt.” Yet the first message of comfort is what others
need, and what they need from themselves. After acknowledging
the pain, so the other person knows they care, they can make
practical suggestions that will be useful.
In past lives, others gave them recognition and acknowledgment
for their achievements. In this lifetime, they need to turn the process
around and give others support and encouragement. These folks are
here to fill other people’s needs; as they do so, they grow and gain
security themselves. In going out of their way to help others, they
automatically meet their own needs. They are nurtured and fulfilled
in the process of nurturing others.
Above all other feelings, Cancer North Node people absolutely
cannot handle rejection. Although they are learning to be sensitive
to others’ feelings, they came on the planet being overly sensitive to
their own feelings. Thus, they have an exaggerated reaction to any
hint of rejection, and they take everything very personally. The key
is to be more objective—less focused on self and more aware of
how to respond to other people’s immediate needs.
For example, I had a Cancer North Node client who was part
owner of a steakhouse. If a customer sent back a steak that wasn’t
cooked well enough, he took it personally. His position was: “Well,
I cooked it right; what’s wrong with the customer?” When these
folks focus on the issue of their adequacy in any situation, they are
always on the defensive. They must sidestep the ego and be more
receptive to what they can do to nurture the other person. When
their focus is on doing their best to make others feel supported and
cared about, everyone wins and the energy soars.
Feelings are an important part of our identity. What makes you
cry may be very different from what stimulates tears in your sister
or your friend. Our feelings are a personal characteristic, and when
Cancer North Node people express their feelings, they begin to let
others know who they truly are. Often they think others don’t see
who they are or allow them to be themselves. Actually, they are the
ones who don’t allow others to really know them, because they are
afraid they will seem different. The amazing thing is that when they
finally reveal themselves and risk being ostracized, they discover
that they truly belong.
When these folks speak from their hearts—from the overflow of
emotions welling up inside—it is endearing to others, who
inevitably respond with empathy and support. The irony is that what
feels the most personal to Cancer North Nodes is actually the most
impersonal. How the world views things and how they look to
others seems very personal to them because ego gets into the middle
of it. But when they express their feelings and gut instincts, the ego
isn’t involved at all. It’s instinctive—so how can they take credit for
it? It’s not emanating from their thinking process; it’s just an honest
reaction.