The bottle of wine is open. Denise and I are on the couch, our feet tucked underneath us as we face each other. Denise’s wine glass trembles as it travels to her lips.
‘Start from the beginning and leave nothing out. Why have you left Tom?’ The words feel alien in my mouth.
The reservoir inside Denise bursts its banks and she goes from being completely in control to losing it completely. I watch her cry but I’m too impatient to wait for answers.
‘Did he have an affair?’
‘No,’ she half-laughs, wiping her eyes.
‘Did he hit you? Hurt you?’
‘No, no, nothing like that.’
‘Did you?’
‘No!’
I search for a box of tissues but can’t find any so I return from the bathroom with a toilet roll. She has calmed a little but her voice is so shaken and broken I have to concentrate on hearing the words.
‘He really wants a baby,’ she says. ‘Five years, Holly. We’ve been trying for five years. We’ve sunk all of our savings into it, we’ve nothing left and I still can’t give him a baby.’
‘It takes two people to make a baby, this is not all on you.’
‘It is me.’
We’ve never discussed this before. I never asked, it’s none of anybody’s business but their own.
‘If I step aside, then he could meet somebody else and live the rest of his life the way he wants. I’m standing in the way of his dream.’
I stare at her, my mouth agape. ‘This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.’
‘It’s not,’ she replies, turning away from me and crossing her legs. She directs her justification to the fireplace instead of me. ‘You haven’t lived in our shoes. Every month he was so hopeful. You’ve no idea what that’s like. Disappointment after disappointment. And then every meeting, appointment, every single time we began IVF again, he believed every single time that it was going to happen, and it didn’t. And it’s not. It never will.’
‘It could still happen,’ I say gently.
‘It won’t,’ she says firmly. ‘Because I’m not trying any more. I’m exhausted.’ She wipes her eyes, a definite look in her eye. ‘I know that Tom loves me, but I know what he wants, and he can’t have that with me.’
‘So by breaking his heart and leaving him, you are actually making it easier for him?’
She sniffs in response.
‘He wants you, Denise.’
‘I know that he loves me, but sometimes that’s not enough. The past seven years, since we got married, we’ve been obsessed with making a baby, making a baby. It’s all we talk about. We save and plan, plan and save to make a baby. There’s nothing else. And now there will be no baby. So what the hell are we? If we move on, I know what I won’t be. I won’t be a wife who couldn’t make a baby, and he won’t be a loyal husband who settled for second best. Does that make sense?’
‘Yes.’ I finally agree. ‘But it’s wrong.’
We drink silently. I sip, searching my head for something wise to say, something that will flick the switch and reverse her thinking. Denise takes a huge mouthful of wine.
‘Have you had any offers on the house yet?’ she asks, changing the subject, draining her glass.
‘No.’
‘I don’t understand why you don’t just move in with Gabriel now, while the house is on the market.’
‘I’m not moving in with Gabriel.’
Denise’s eyes widen. ‘You changed your mind?’
‘Gabriel’s daughter is moving in with him, and he wants to wait until she adjusts before we take the next step. And before you ask, he thinks the transition could take up to two years.’
‘What the fuck?!’ she spits and wine flies from her lip and into my eye. ‘Sorry,’ she says as I wipe it away. She stares at me, aghast. ‘Is he trying to break up with you?’
‘He says he’s not, but, I sense the future is bleak.’ I take a slug of wine.
‘But he’s the one that wanted you to move in.’
‘I know.’
‘He asked you for months.’
‘I know.’
‘This doesn’t make sense!’
‘I know.’
She narrows her eyes suspiciously at me. ‘Has it anything to do with the PS, I Love You Club?’
I sigh. ‘Yes, no. Maybe. It probably hasn’t helped, all this stuff coming together at the same time.’ I rub my face tiredly.
‘Maybe you should take a break from the club, maybe it’s not healthy for you.’
‘I can’t, Denise. They’re relying on me. You just met Ginika, what would she do?’
‘But things were going so well for you before you got involved in the club.’
‘Maybe it’s helped put everything in perspective for me.’
‘I don’t know, Holly …’
‘I suppose I could go ahead with the sale of the house anyway.’ I look around. ‘I think I’m done with this place. I feel like Gerry checked out of here a long time ago. He’s gone,’ I admit sadly. Then, as quickly as the sadness arrived, it leaves, and a jolt of adrenaline surges through me. I could do this. Gabriel is making his own plans, taking care of his own life, why should I wait for him?
‘Fancy moving in with me?’ Denise asks.
‘No, thank you.’
She laughs. ‘Fair enough.’
‘You’re going back to Tom and you’re going to tell him what you told me. Discuss it like grown-ups. This is only a hiccup.’
‘I think I’ll need to do more than hold my breath and wait for it to pass.’
True, bad advice. I’m through with holding my breath. Change needs action. I drain my glass.
‘OK,’ she sighs wearily. ‘I’m going to bed. Can I please sleep in your spare room?’
‘You can, but don’t keep me awake with your incessant crying.’
She smiles sadly.
‘I think you’re making a huge mistake,’ I say gently. ‘Please change your mind in the morning.’
‘If we’re swapping advice, I know I’m in no position to be handing it out, but you love Gabriel. This club has done something to you, whether you admit it or not. It’s brought Gerry back to you, which should be a nice thing, but I’m not sure if it is. Gerry is gone, Gabriel is here, he’s real. Please don’t let the ghost of Gerry push Gabriel away.’