When we got on the phone, the publishing team started by telling me how much they liked me, my online presence, my writing style, etc. They praised the book as funny and cute . . . good things, as far as I knew.
“Our concern,” said the editor, “is that it’s too sweet.”
I had no idea what that meant, but since it was my first book, I assured them that anything like that could be fixed in an edit.
“We were hoping you’d be open to changes.”
“Of course!” I assured them. I’d be open to ritual sacrifice if it meant selling my first book.
“So you’d feel comfortable adding some steam?”
Y’all, I had no idea what she was talking about. My brain conjured up the image of a manhole cover with steam coming out.
“What exactly did you have in mind?” I hedged.
“Sex. It needs sex, Rachel. No young woman in her early twenties who lives in LA is a virgin. Nobody will believe this love story. If you spice it up, this could be a bestseller.”
I’m trying to remember if I’ve ever been so uncomfortable in a professional setting in my life.
For context, it’s important to note that this was right when Fifty Shades of Grey was breaking into the book world. Since publishing chases trends like any other industry, every editor was hyperfocused on trying to tap into that fan base.
I had zero idea how to respond to them. Y’all, I’m no saint. I’ve read books with sex in them before (don’t tell my Mema!), but I had no earthly clue that someone would ever ask me to write it. Also, I loved that the heroine of my book was naïve and innocent—and I thought that’s what made her special. The more they tried to convince me to write steam into my book, the more I wondered if I was in an after-school special. Like, Hey, Rachel, just smoke this crack and we’ll be friends with you.
I politely declined.
“We totally understand,” they told me. “But without that element, this book is too sweet for the market. Nobody will buy it as is.”
I was devastated.
Two more calls with publishers went exactly the same way.
Then one after another, every publisher left on our submission list turned it down. It was a Friday afternoon when the very last publisher passed. I remember locking myself in the bathroom and sobbing. And, you guys, these were not gentle, beautiful tears. This was like, my dreams are over / everyone hates my book / I am a terrible writer UGLY tears.
I can’t tell you how long I stayed down on the bathroom tile, but I can tell you that I eventually got back up. I dried my tears and walked to the kitchen to pour a glass of wine. Then I sat down at my crappy laptop where I’d written my terrible prudish manuscript that nobody wanted and Googled, How do you self-publish a book?
In February 2014, I self-published Party Girl about a naïve, sweet, and, yes, virginal party planner in her early twenties living in LA.
That first weekend I think it sold fifty copies—and likely forty-five of those were bought by Dave. Every week, though, I’d sell a few here and a handful there. The sales kept growing, and people were passing it around to their friends. As it turns out, the sweetness of the main character was the exact thing that people liked about the book. Six months later a publisher called and asked if they could buy it from me and offered me a deal for two more books to turn it into a series.
To date, that single book, the one I was told no one would buy, has sold over a hundred thousand copies. It also launched my career as an author.
Here’s the most important piece of that whole story. Are you paying attention?
If I had listened to the experts, that book would still be sitting on my computer today.
Nobody—not a voice of authority, not your mama, not the foremost expert in your arena—gets to tell you how big your dreams can be. They can talk all they want . . . but you get to decide if you’re willing to listen.
Another reason people give up on their dreams? It’s difficult and/or it’s taking too long.
Goals and dreams are hard. I get it. Actually accomplishing them is so much harder than you think it will be. Maybe you’re making progress, but it’s only an inch at a time—meanwhile, your friend Tammy has been promoted twice, your sister is married with two kids, and you feel as though you’re still way back there at the start when everyone is passing you by. Some days you feel so discouraged you want to cry.
Go ahead and cry.
Rend your garments and wail to the heavens like some biblical mourner. Get it all out. Then dry your eyes and wash your face and keep on going. You think this is hard? That’s because it is. So what? Nobody said it would be easy.
You’re tired? How many times in your life have you been tired but you found a way to keep going? How many of you reading this right now have given up on a dream because it was exhausting to keep chasing it? In that same vein, how many of you have ever gone through labor? Even if you haven’t before, I know you can understand the gist. No matter how you bring a baby into the world (even through adoption), it’s emotionally and physically exhausting—but somehow you find a way through. You dig down deep for strength you didn’t know you had because the process is literally life or death.
Don’t tell me you don’t have it in you to want something more for your life. Don’t tell me you have to give up because it’s difficult. This is life or death too. This is the difference between living a life you always dreamed of or sitting alongside the death of the person you were meant to become. That’s what it feels like to me when I’ve given up on a dream, even for a little while—as if I’m at a wake. As if I’m sitting in a room and looking at the evidence of what could have been. I’m sure many of you know what that’s like, and you either want to change it or keep yourself from getting there in the first place.
You have to do something about it. You have to reach down inside yourself and remember the reason you started this. You’d better find the will to keep going, because if you don’t, I promise you someone else will. If that happens, girl, you will watch someone else achieve your dreams and enjoy the spoils of their hard-fought battle. And if that happens, you will understand one of the greatest lessons in this life: the only thing worse than giving up is wishing that you hadn’t.
You think your dream is taking too long? It took Julia Child ten years to write Mastering the Art of French Cooking. Her work changed cooking for people all over the world and launched her career. James Cameron worked on Avatar for fifteen years, and it is the most successful film in the history of time.
On January 3, 1870, ground was broken for the construction of the Brooklyn Bridge. The project took ten years, and during that time, the lives of so many men on the building crew were lost. But, you guys, the Brooklyn Bridge still stands as a symbol of New York, and 135 years later, it brings forty-three million cars to and from Manhattan every single year.
Don’t you get it? Nothing that lasts is accomplished quickly. Nobody’s entire legacy is based on a single moment, but rather the collection of one’s experiences. If you’re lucky, your legacy will be a lifetime in the making.
Between my event company and the media business I run now, it’s taken me thirteen years of work to get to this place—and not one of those years was wasted. I needed thirteen years to gain the knowledge to write to you about this topic. I needed thirteen years of speaking to college students, MOPS groups, and panel discussions to build my skill enough to give the keynote speech that served as the inspiration for this chapter. I needed to fail at public speaking and make mistakes over and over again to learn how to do that. I needed to write crappy manuscripts that I never finished and then one that nobody wanted to buy. I needed to fight my way into the publishing industry and spend years making my presence known before I was in a place where someone would give me the opportunity for a book like this.
I needed to endure personal hardships and discouragement and one rejection on top of another—all so I could stand right here and say to you, “Your dream is worth fighting for, and while you’re not in control of what life throws at you, you are in control of the fight.”
The last reason people give up on their dreams?
Something traumatic gets in your way. Disaster is the ultimate excuse. Divorce or illness or something far worse happens to you, and sometimes the goals slip quietly into the background and get left there. We leave them because this trauma is so heavy we just can’t carry one more thing. Sometimes trauma happens, and if we’re being honest, a part of us rejoices, thinking, Well, now nobody can expect anything else from me because it’s miracle enough that I’m upright.
Let me take a moment to tell those of you who are dealing with and fighting through something painful: it is a miracle that you’re sitting here. You are nobly doing your best to battle your way through it. You are a warrior because of the trials you are going through, but don’t you dare squander the strength you have earned just because the acquisition of it was painful.
Those are the most important stories to share.
You can use that strength to pave a path for others to follow along behind. I’ve shared many of my own painful stories in the chapters of this book, and none of them have been easy to talk about; but I do it because I hope that by sharing them I’m able to help some of you who’ve walked through similar things. I’ve also talked about my own goals and dreams and the ways I’ve pushed myself to achieve them. Every single one of those dreams has served a purpose in my life. Sometimes it was a small change and sometimes it was life-changing, but in every circumstance, I grew for having walked through it. Friends, it’s not about the goal or the dream you have. It’s about who you become on your way to that goal.
When a voice of authority says it’s taking too long, you’re too “fat, old, tired, or female” for it, or your trauma is too big . . . do you know what they are giving you?
Permission to quit.
You’re already scared, you’re already second-guessing yourself, and when someone or something comes along and speaks into that exact thing you were already questioning, you think, Yep, that’s what I thought. I give up.
Look again at those dreams you wrote down on your paper at the start of this chapter. Now listen to me:
You do not have permission to quit!
I revoke that permission! I take away the power those people or circumstances put over your life, and I give it back to you.
You think it’s not that easy? Of course it is. This is all about perception, right? Your perception of what’s holding you back is currently big and bad and terrifying, but those obstacles are only real if you believe in them.
It’s all in your hands now. Everything that happens from here on out is entirely up to you. This is the hard part because I will tell you right now: nobody will ever care about your dream as much as you do. Ever.
Do you hear me, sister?
Whether you want to lose weight or write a book or be on TV or travel the world on a speaking tour, you are the steward of your own dreams! Maybe you want to own your own home, get your degree, or save your marriage. Maybe it’s a shop on Etsy, opening a small business, or getting the lead in the local production of Oklahoma! this fall. Whatever it is, big or small, grandiose or simple, nobody can care about it the way you do!
Even if you have a supportive family. Even if you have the greatest friends alive. Even if your spouse is the most uplifting, encouraging human and your number one fan . . . even then, girl, they will not want it as much as you do.
It doesn’t keep them up at night. It doesn’t light their soul on fire.
It’s your dream.
Your own special wish that your heart made long before you were even conscious of it. You want to see it come to fruition? Well then, you have to understand that nobody can take it away from you and ultimately nobody is going to help you achieve it. Not really.
You have to decide to pursue your wildest dreams. No matter what they are, no matter how simple or extravagant. No matter if they seem ridiculous to others or maybe even too easy . . . it doesn’t matter. They’re your dreams, and you are allowed to chase them—not because you are more special or talented or well-connected, but because you are worthy of wanting something more.
Because you are worthy of not letting your past dictate your future.
Start today. Start right now, this very second, and promise yourself—heck, promise me—that you’ll reach for the big stuff.
Do you want the big stuff for your life?
You won’t get there by saying yes. Yes is the easy part. You’ll get there by not giving up when you hear the word no.
THINGS THAT HELPED ME . . .
1. Audacity. It’s pretty audacious to ignore what other people, even experts, are telling you is right. I think we could all use a little more audacity around these parts. I don’t mean that you need to become militant or disrespectful; I just mean you should keep your eyes on your goal, regardless of what gets in your way.
2. Alternate paths. I worry when I give this advice that some random person who listens to the idea of not giving up on her dreams will hear, “Go harass people until they give you what you want.” That’s not going to get anybody anywhere, and we all know it. Use the no you hear as an indication that you should try an alternative route.
3. Keeping my goals in plain sight. It’s easy to focus on your goals when you’re fired up or excited about a new project, but focusing becomes harder when life interferes with your direct access to keep working on it. So pin up your dream somewhere you can see it. I’m a big fan of displaying visuals inside my closet door to remind me every single day of what my aim is. Currently taped to my door: the cover of Forbes featuring self-made female CEOs, a vacation house in Hawaii . . . and a picture of Beyoncé, obvi.