This is not a victim lifetime, and Virgo North Node people are
learning how to say “no” and not allow themselves to be abused in
their relationships. Sometimes they say “no” very gently, and the
people who are abusing them don’t get the message. But these folks
need to let others know when there is inequity in giving, or when
they need more support, before they withdraw from the relationship.
If someone isn’t getting the message, it is simply an indication that
Virgo North Node should change her approach. We all have
different levels of sensitivity—some of us are very sensitive, and
some of us need to be hit over the head! Therefore, if the abuse
continues, Virgo North Node should keep upping the intensity of
her “no” until the other person hears her.
In romantic relationships, Virgo North Node people may, once
again, go to extremes with either total aloofness and lack of
participation, or total submission to the other person. Again,
walking the middle road of moderation is their key to success. One
obstacle that keeps them from finding this middle road is that the
minute they see a person they care about romantically, they start
giving an inch and then giving a mile—before you know it, they’ve
lost themselves. Once these folks become romantically involved
and the other person doesn’t give them what they want, they start
trying to talk themselves out of their own limits: “All right, maybe
I’m being too rigid.” Then they dissolve into a confused state in
which they just “go along” without standing up for themselves. This
doesn’t usually happen in their friendships, because they aren’t so
afraid of losing friends. And if their job is interfering with their
health or well-being, they will make the decision to move on. But
when an intimate, personal relationship is at stake, they are terribly
afraid of loss.
Another trap they face is giving up their self-respect. They have a
tendency to value the person they are seeing romantically more than
they value themselves. They make the other person their center;
once they have done that, they are lost. For romantic relationships
to work for them, they must value the relationship more than just
the other person.
When they fall in love, these folks also tend to create the reality
they want in their minds, and then they live it. This is their “payoff”
for putting the other person at the “center.” They create a blissful
atmosphere through a combination of psychic attunement and an
active imagination—it’s almost as though these folks are having a
love affair in their own minds. However, this breaks down when the
fantasy is too far removed from reality. They need to keep inviting
the other person’s input into their fantasy, for realistic grounding
and for avoiding deep disappointment.
They should only allow themselves just so many fantasies, or
allot only a certain amount of time to fantasize. “You can have five
minutes of fantasy, and then go on to the next thing!” The “next,
thing” should require a focus that is the antithesis of fantasy: an
activity that is mathematical (balancing the checkbook, paying bills,
etc.), physical (doing the dishes, vacuuming, etc.), or something
else that requires precise, objective thinking. This can help them
break with the energy of fantasy and come back into balance.
Virgo North Node people also need to consistently monitor their
relationships. Are they putting in too much or too little energy? Is
there a balance between giving and receiving? Is their participation
leading to feelings of confidence or feelings of inadequacy? They
must be willing to let the other person know where their boundaries
are. This fosters respect and allows them to experience the joys of
participating and working with another toward a mutual goal. Once
they become committed, it is helpful for both parties to write down
their goals for the relationship. The clearer they are about what they
want to create, the greater their chances for success. The goals
should be re-evaluated from time to time as the relationship
changes.
In a marriage, shared goals might include mutual support; going
out for a romantic dinner two nights a month; encouragement in
reaching individual aims; handling money together in a joyful way;
giving each other confidence; and seeing a marriage counselor once
a year to keep the relationship “tuned up.” Writing down these
objectives helps engender a practical approach.
If Virgo North Node people feel confused in a relationship, there
may be too great a discrepancy between the reality of what is
occurring and their vision of how they would like things to be. In
that case, they must first clarify their thinking about their goals and
what they would like to create in the relationship. Then, armed with
the strength that comes from having defined their limits in their own
mind, they can approach their partner to gain clarity.
In opening this dialogue, it is best for them to refrain from
communicating their goals and limits first. Instead, they should
actively listen to the other person’s vision of the relationship. Then
they can determine whether or not they fit appropriately with that
person. If they communicate their goals and limits first, they set
themselves up to be fooled, cajoled, or appeased, as the other person
may seem to agree in order to keep them involved.
If the Virgo North Node person has determined it’s a “fit” (both
partners’ goals truly do align), then they can define their limits and
the negotiations can begin. But if in fact he determines that it is not
a “fit” (their vision and their limits are incompatible), then Virgo
North Node must summon the discipline to break off the
relationship, or reshape it in a form that does work (for example, a
friendship instead of a marriage). His inclination is to fantasize
about how it could eventually work out and to “stick it out,” hoping
that he can change the other person. This process does not work. It
leads not only to a waste of time and energy but to much
disappointment and hurt.
When these folks do enter into a romantic relationship, they must
pay special attention to their interaction during the first few weeks.
If they realize (when they are still working toward full participation)
that the relationship isn’t going to succeed, they should get out
immediately. They must be honest with themselves that this is not
the ideal situation and determine if the limits they have defined for
themselves will work within the reality of the relationship. Staying
in touch with reality—in every area of their lives—will make their
lives work. It is important for them not to live in a fantasy.
Virgo North Node people are often attracted to people with
qualities that they feel they lack: strength, assertiveness,
decisiveness, and the like. They attach themselves to the person in
an attempt to emulate him and absorb these qualities. Rather than
recognizing that they want that certain trait, they feel very strongly
that they want the other person. They need to be conscious of this
problem when entering into an intimate relationship. As part of this
dynamic, sometimes they allow the other person to treat them badly
in order to get what they think they want. Until they’ve gained the
“missing” quality themselves, they are afraid to confront the other
person and run the risk of loss.
By recognizing the quality in the other person that they are
attracted to, they can consciously put developing that quality within
themselves at the center of the relationship, rather than the other
person. This approach gives them more objectivity and enough
emotional distance to maintain their own identity, which will help
the relationship work more smoothly and honestly for both partners.
It also helps these folks to remain aware or supply. Just as there are
many potential friendships that would fulfill them, and many
potential jobs that they would enjoy, likewise there are many
potential intimate relationships that they would find satisfying.
Thus, if the relationship they are involved in is hurtful, they should
never forget that they can afford to take the chance of moving on.
In their professional lives, Virgo North Node people can be
practical and realistic. If they would apply the same mechanisms to
their romances, their personal lives might also be successful and run
smoothly. However, in their personal lives they tend to live in a
fantasy world and use their imaginations in ways that ultimately
disappoint them. When they find someone who appeals to them
romantically, they often begin to fantasize about what the other
person is like. They create an entire fantasy of the other person,
which they project onto the other person. Then when they relate to
this person, it’s always in terms of how closely he or she matches
their fantasy, and they always feel let down. In actuality they may
never have seen who the other person really was. The other person
may be a better match for them than their fantasy person, but when
the behavior of the love object varies too radically from the picture
these folks have projected, they retreat. They withdraw their
projection and become noncommunicative, and their partners never
quite understand why they suddenly became so unreachable. The
Virgo North Node person becomes confused and disappointed; the
partner becomes angry and provocative.
The way out of this dilemma is through discrimination. Virgo
North Node people must deliberately postpone their fantasy until
they have had time to pay careful attention to who the other person
really is. By objectively analyzing the partner’s values, behavior,
and beliefs, they can respond to how that person makes them feel in
the here and now. In the long run, reality is much more satisfying
than layers of projection.
These folks often begin a romance wearing rose-colored glasses.
They are in a “romantic fog” created by their connection with the
other person, which insulates them from any harsh realities that
might exist in the relationship. These “glitches” may be very
apparent to everyone else, but not to Virgo North Nodes. They
idealize their partner, fall in love with that ideal, and project a future
of living “happily ever after.” Their daydreams and fantasies seem
so real that they even use them as a basis for making practical plans,
until the discrepancy between ideal and reality becomes too great.
Maybe an incident occurs that demonstrates the reality of the
situation, and in an instant their entire fantasy “pops.”
For example, the Virgo North Node person, seeing how smoothly
the relationship is going, may assume that marriage is the natural
outcome. The other person may never directly dispute the
possibility and allow discussions about marriage to pass by without
comment. Then, seemingly out of the blue, the other person
announces that he doesn’t want to marry anyone—ever. Virgo North
Node is shocked and bewildered, and begins to doubt herself. The
event can nearly destroy her confidence in her own perceptions, and
it can take her years to get over it.
To avoid such a disaster, these folks need to stay focused in the
here and now, watch the details of the relationship unfold, and make
corrections when necessary. They can experience the joys of
romance and fantasy once they have established the relationship on
a firm and practical foundation, but they cannot indulge in the
irresponsible aspect of romantic fantasy and blind dependence
without repercussion.
These people have an extraordinary capacity to make their
dreams come true, manifesting their visions on a tangible level. This
applies to romantic life as well as professional life. They just need
to approach their goals on a practical level.
Before falling too much in love, Virgo North Node people
should clearly define the goals and objectives of the other person, as
well as their own. They must set limits: “What do I want? What am
I willing to accept? What am I not willing to accept?” It is to their
advantage to avoid the possibility of deception, even if it is
unintentional, by asking practical, key questions at appropriate
times. Is the other person married or living with someone? Has he
been married before? Why did his marriage end? How does he feel
about commitment? Some answers may change as the relationship
progresses, so it is beneficial to ask these kinds of questions from
time to time.
These folks need an incredible amount of space. They need alone
time, to pull back from the world and simply “be” so they can
regenerate and reconnect with their power, their energy, and their
vision. They know they must do this even though they can’t explain
why, and sometimes they find it very difficult to communicate their
need to those who are close to them. When they do try to
communicate their need to pull back, often the other person
responds by talking them out of it or not honoring their boundaries
in some other way. Then they try noncommunication and simply
withdraw without explanation. This alienates and infuriates the
other person, who doesn’t understand what is going on. The best bet
is to focus on a plan with a time schedule: How much time alone
will they need, and when can they rejoin the other person? Then
they can approach the partner with a clear proposal.
Here is one practical approach:
1. Share the Vision: “This is what I would like to create for us
. . . a happy time together in which we can really devote
attention to each other.”
2. Share the Practical Details: “Now, there are certain things
I have to take care of before I can spend this kind of time with
you. I need to take care of some shopping, spend time with my
folks, and have some time alone to recharge my batteries
before seeing you.”
3. Share the Plan: “So, I’m going to need the next three days
to take care of these things. I’ll call you on Thursday and I’d
like to get together on Friday.”
In making this communication, Virgo North Node people must
come from a “focused” place where they are in control. These folks
are fantastic at making plans. They can see how to organize all the
details to work in everyone’s best interest. Others will go along with
them if they come from an “in-charge” position rather than a
helpless position.
When Virgo North Node people become too overwhelmed with
the profusion of events in their lives, they sometimes react by taking
a “hiatus”—extracting themselves from a situation until they can
see it more clearly and handle it more effectively. However, a
breach of trust can occur if they don’t notify the other person in
advance that they will be “on hiatus,” especially if there’s no
indication of how long that break is going to be. No matter how
difficult, forthright communication of their plans is the key to
positive relationships.
Owing to a past-life residue of hermitage in one form or another,
these folks were not born with a natural knowledge of how to
maintain long-term relationships. As priests, they may have been
privy to the private experiences of others but lack the direct
knowledge of repeated personal experiences. Thus, when things go
“wrong” in a relationship, they may avoid fighting or expressing
any strong emotion. They don’t realize that the tension is a call
from their partner to draw closer and participate, using their
incredible talent to create order out of chaos.
Virgo North Node people must be willing to roll up their sleeves,
walk directly into the chaos, and reorganize. They must recognize
that chaos in relationships is a signal that it is time for more
efficiency in the “nuts and bolts” operation of daily life, and to
develop greater feelings of closeness. These folks are masters at
straightening out problems as soon as they are willing to participate
100 percent in creating practical solutions.