IN MY DREAM IT WAS VERY DARK, AND WHAT DIM LIGHT there was seemed to be radiating from Edward’s skin. I couldn’t see his face, just his back as he walked away from me, leaving me in the blackness. No matter how fast I ran, I couldn’t catch up to him; no matter how loud I called, he never turned. Troubled, I woke in the middle of the night and couldn’t sleep again for what seemed like a very long time. After that, he was in my dreams nearly every night, but always on the periphery, never within reach.
The month that followed the accident was uneasy, tense, and, at first, embarrassing.
To my dismay, I found myself the center of attention for the rest of that week. Tyler Crowley was impossible, following me around, obsessed with making amends to me somehow. I tried to convince him what I wanted more than anything else was for him to forget all about it — especially since nothing had actually happened to me — but he remained insistent. He followed me between classes and sat at our now-crowded lunch table. Mike and Eric were even less friendly toward him than they were to each other, which made me worry that I’d gained another unwelcome fan.
No one seemed concerned about Edward, though I explained over and over that he was the hero — how he had pulled me out of the way and had nearly been crushed, too. I tried to be convincing. Jessica, Mike, Eric, and everyone else always commented that they hadn’t even seen him there till the van was pulled away.
I wondered to myself why no one else had seen him standing so far away, before he was suddenly, impossibly saving my life. With chagrin, I realized the probable cause — no one else was as aware of Edward as I always was. No one else watched him the way I did. How pitiful.
Edward was never surrounded by crowds of curious bystanders eager for his firsthand account. People avoided him as usual. The Cullens and the Hales sat at the same table as always, not eating, talking only among themselves. None of them, especially Edward, glanced my way anymore.
When he sat next to me in class, as far from me as the table would allow, he seemed totally unaware of my presence. Only now and then, when his fists would suddenly ball up — skin stretched even whiter over the bones — did I wonder if he wasn’t quite as oblivious as he appeared.
He wished he hadn’t pulled me from the path of Tyler’s van — there was no other conclusion I could come to.
I wanted very much to talk to him, and the day after the accident I tried. The last time I’d seen him, outside the ER, we’d both been so furious. I still was angry that he wouldn’t trust me with the truth, even though I was keeping my part of the bargain flawlessly. But he had in fact saved my life, no matter how he’d done it. And, overnight, the heat of my anger faded into awed gratitude.
He was already seated when I got to Biology, looking straight ahead. I sat down, expecting him to turn toward me. He showed no sign that he realized I was there.
“Hello, Edward,” I said pleasantly, to show him I was going to behave myself.
He turned his head a fraction toward me without meeting my gaze, nodded once, and then looked the other way.
And that was the last contact I’d had with him, though he was there, a foot away from me, every day. I watched him sometimes, unable to stop myself — from a distance, though, in the cafeteria or parking lot. I watched as his golden eyes grew perceptibly darker day by day. But in class I gave no more notice that he existed than he showed toward me. I was miserable. And the dreams continued.
Despite my outright lies, the tenor of my e-mails alerted Renée to my depression, and she called a few times, worried. I tried to convince her it was just the weather that had me down.
Mike, at least, was pleased by the obvious coolness between me and my lab partner. I could see he’d been worried that Edward’s daring rescue might have impressed me, and he was relieved that it seemed to have the opposite effect. He grew more confident, sitting on the edge of my table to talk before Biology class started, ignoring Edward as completely as he ignored us.
The snow washed away for good after that one dangerously icy day. Mike was disappointed he’d never gotten to stage his snowball fight, but pleased that the beach trip would soon be possible. The rain continued heavily, though, and the weeks passed.
Jessica made me aware of another event looming on the horizon — she called the first Tuesday of March to ask my permission to invite Mike to the girls’ choice spring dance in two weeks.
“Are you sure you don’t mind . . . you weren’t planning to ask him?” she persisted when I told her I didn’t mind in the least.
“No, Jess, I’m not going,” I assured her. Dancing was glaringly outside my range of abilities.
“It will be really fun.” Her attempt to convince me was halfhearted. I suspected that Jessica enjoyed my inexplicable popularity more than my actual company.
“You have fun with Mike,” I encouraged.
The next day, I was surprised that Jessica wasn’t her usual gushing self in Trig and Spanish. She was silent as she walked by my side between classes, and I was afraid to ask her why. If Mike had turned her down, I was the last person she would want to tell.
My fears were strengthened during lunch when Jessica sat as far from Mike as possible, chatting animatedly with Eric. Mike was unusually quiet.
Mike was still quiet as he walked me to class, the uncomfortable look on his face a bad sign. But he didn’t broach the subject until I was in my seat and he was perched on my desk. As always, I was electrically aware of Edward sitting close enough to touch, as distant as if he were merely an invention of my imagination.
“So,” Mike said, looking at the floor, “Jessica asked me to the spring dance.”
“That’s great.” I made my voice bright and enthusiastic. “You’ll have a lot of fun with Jessica.”
“Well . . .” He floundered as he examined my smile, clearly not happy with my response. “I told her I had to think about it.”
“Why would you do that?” I let disapproval color my tone, though I was relieved he hadn’t given her an absolute no.
His face was bright red as he looked down again. Pity shook my resolve.
“I was wondering if . . . well, if you might be planning to ask me.”
I paused for a moment, hating the wave of guilt that swept through me. But I saw, from the corner of my eye, Edward’s head tilt reflexively in my direction.
“Mike, I think you should tell her yes,” I said.
“Did you already ask someone?” Did Edward notice how Mike’s eyes flickered in his direction?
“No,” I assured him. “I’m not going to the dance at all.”
“Why not?” Mike demanded.
I didn’t want to get into the safety hazards that dancing presented, so I quickly made new plans.
“I’m going to Seattle that Saturday,” I explained. I needed to get out of town anyway — it was suddenly the perfect time to go.
“Can’t you go some other weekend?”
“Sorry, no,” I said. “So you shouldn’t make Jess wait any longer — it’s rude.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” he mumbled, and turned, dejected, to walk back to his seat. I closed my eyes and pressed my fingers to my temples, trying to push the guilt and sympathy out of my head. Mr. Banner began talking. I sighed and opened my eyes.
And Edward was staring at me curiously, that same, familiar edge of frustration even more distinct now in his black eyes.
I stared back, surprised, expecting him to look quickly away. But instead he continued to gaze with probing intensity into my eyes. There was no question of me looking away. My hands started to shake.
“Mr. Cullen?” the teacher called, seeking the answer to a question that I hadn’t heard.
“The Krebs Cycle,” Edward answered, seeming reluctant as he turned to look at Mr. Banner.
I looked down at my book as soon as his eyes released me, trying to find my place. Cowardly as ever, I shifted my hair over my right shoulder to hide my face. I couldn’t believe the rush of emotion pulsing through me — just because he’d happened to look at me for the first time in a half-dozen weeks. I couldn’t allow him to have this level of influence over me. It was pathetic. More than pathetic, it was unhealthy.
I tried very hard not to be aware of him for the rest of the hour, and, since that was impossible, at least not to let him know that I was aware of him. When the bell rang at last, I turned my back to him to gather my things, expecting him to leave immediately as usual.
“Bella?” His voice shouldn’t have been so familiar to me, as if I’d known the sound of it all my life rather than for just a few short weeks.
I turned slowly, unwillingly. I didn’t want to feel what I knew I would feel when I looked at his too-perfect face. My expression was wary when I finally turned to him; his expression was unreadable. He didn’t say anything.
“What? Are you speaking to me again?” I finally asked, an unintentional note of petulance in my voice.
His lips twitched, fighting a smile. “No, not really,” he admitted.
I closed my eyes and inhaled slowly through my nose, aware that I was gritting my teeth. He waited.
“Then what do you want, Edward?” I asked, keeping my eyes closed; it was easier to talk to him coherently that way.
“I’m sorry.” He sounded sincere. “I’m being very rude, I know. But it’s better this way, really.”
I opened my eyes. His face was very serious.
“I don’t know what you mean,” I said, my voice guarded.
“It’s better if we’re not friends,” he explained. “Trust me.”
My eyes narrowed. I’d heard that before.
“It’s too bad you didn’t figure that out earlier,” I hissed through my teeth. “You could have saved yourself all this regret.”
“Regret?” The word, and my tone, obviously caught him off guard. “Regret for what?”
“For not just letting that stupid van squish me.”
He was astonished. He stared at me in disbelief.
When he finally spoke, he almost sounded mad. “You think I regret saving your life?”
“I know you do,” I snapped.
“You don’t know anything.” He was definitely mad.
I turned my head sharply away from him, clenching my jaw against all the wild accusations I wanted to hurl at him. I gathered my books together, then stood and walked to the door. I meant to sweep dramatically out of the room, but of course I caught the toe of my boot on the doorjamb and dropped my books. I stood there for a moment, thinking about leaving them. Then I sighed and bent to pick them up. He was there; he’d already stacked them into a pile. He handed them to me, his face hard.
“Thank you,” I said icily.
His eyes narrowed.
“You’re welcome,” he retorted.
I straightened up swiftly, turned away from him again, and stalked off to Gym without looking back.
Gym was brutal. We’d moved on to basketball. My team never passed me the ball, so that was good, but I fell down a lot. Sometimes I took people with me. Today I was worse than usual because my head was so filled with Edward. I tried to concentrate on my feet, but he kept creeping back into my thoughts just when I really needed my balance.
It was a relief, as always, to leave. I almost ran to the truck; there were just so many people I wanted to avoid. The truck had suffered only minimal damage in the accident. I’d had to replace the taillights, and if I’d had a real paint job, I would have touched that up. Tyler’s parents had to sell their van for parts.
I almost had a stroke when I rounded the corner and saw a tall, dark figure leaning against the side of my truck. Then I realized it was just Eric. I started walking again.
“Hey, Eric,” I called.
“Hi, Bella.”
“What’s up?” I said as I was unlocking the door. I wasn’t paying attention to the uncomfortable edge in his voice, so his next words took me by surprise.
“Uh, I was just wondering . . . if you would go to the spring dance with me?” His voice broke on the last word.
“I thought it was girls’ choice,” I said, too startled to be diplomatic.
“Well, yeah,” he admitted, shamefaced.
I recovered my composure and tried to make my smile warm. “Thank you for asking me, but I’m going to be in Seattle that day.”
“Oh,” he said. “Well, maybe next time.”
“Sure,” I agreed, and then bit my lip. I wouldn’t want him to take that too literally.
He slouched off, back toward the school. I heard a low chuckle.