I cannot contain my jubilation. My subconscious gapes at me in stunned silence, and I wear a face-splitting grin as I gaze longingly up into Christian’s tortured eyes.
His soft, sweet confession calls to me on some deep elemental level, as if he’s seeking absolution; his three small words are my manna from heaven. Tears prick my eyes once more. Yes, you do. I know you do.
It’s such a liberating realization, as if a crushing millstone has been tossed aside. This beautiful, fucked-up man, whom I once thought of as my romantic hero—strong, solitary, mysterious—possesses all these traits, but he’s also fragile and alienated and full of self-loathing. My heart swells with joy but also pain for his suffering. And I know in this moment that my heart is big enough for both of us. I hope it’s big enough for both of us.
I reach up to clasp his dear, handsome face and kiss him gently, pouring all the love I feel into this one sweet connection. I want to devour him beneath the hot cascading water. Christian groans and encircles me in his arms, holding me as if I am the air he needs to breathe.
“Oh, Ana,” he whispers hoarsely, “I want you, but not here.”
“Yes,” I murmur fervently into his mouth.
He switches off the shower and takes my hand, leading me out and enfolding me in my bathrobe. Grabbing a towel, he wraps it around his waist, then takes a smaller one and begins to gently dry my hair. When he’s satisfied, he swathes the towel around my head so that in the large mirror over the sink I look like I’m wearing a veil. He’s standing behind me and our eyes meet in the mirror, smoldering gray to bright blue, and it gives me an idea.
He nods, though his brow creases. I reach for another towel from the plethora of fluffy towels stacked beside the vanity, and standing before him on tiptoe, I start to dry his hair. He bends forward, making the process easier, and as I catch the occasional glimpse of his face beneath the towel, I see he’s grinning like a small boy.
“It’s a long time since anyone did this to me. A very long time,” he murmurs, but then frowns. “In fact, I don’t think anyone’s ever dried my hair.”
“Surely Grace did? Dried your hair when you were young?”
He shakes his head, hampering my progress.
“No. She respected my boundaries from day one, even though it was painful for her. I was very self-sufficient as a child,” he says quietly.
I feel a swift kick in the ribs as I think of a small copper-haired child looking after himself because no one else cares. The thought is sickeningly sad. But I don’t want my melancholy to hijack this blossoming intimacy.
“Well, I’m honored,” I gently tease him.
“That you are, Miss Steele. Or maybe it is I who am honored.”
“That goes without saying, Mr. Grey,” I respond tartly.
I finish with his hair, reach for another small towel, and move around to stand behind him. Our eyes meet again in the mirror, and his watchful, questioning look prompts me to speak.
“Can I try something?”
After a moment, he nods. Warily, and very gently, I run the soft cloth down his left arm, soaking up the water that has beaded on his skin. Glancing up, I check his expression in the mirror. He blinks at me, his eyes burning into mine.
I lean forward and kiss his bicep, and his lips part infinitesimally. I dry his other arm in a similar fashion, trailing kisses around his bicep, and a small smile plays on his lips. Carefully, I wipe his back beneath the faint lipstick line, which is still visible. I hadn’t gotten around to washing his back.
“Whole back,” he says quietly, “with the towel.” He takes a sharp breath and screws his eyes closed as I briskly dry him, careful to touch him only with the towel.
He has such an attractive back—broad, sculptured shoulders, all the small muscles clearly defined. He really looks after himself. The beautiful sight is marred only by his scars.
With difficulty I ignore them and suppress my overwhelming urge to kiss each and every one. When I finish he exhales, and I lean forward and reward him with a kiss on his shoulder. Putting my arms around him, I dry his stomach. Our eyes meet once more in the mirror, his expression amused but wary, too.
“Hold this.” I hand him a smaller face towel, and he gives me a bemused frown. “Remember in Georgia? You made me touch myself using your hands,” I add.
His face darkens, but I ignore his reaction and put my arms around him. Gazing at us both in the mirror—his beauty, his nakedness, and me with my covered hair—we look almost biblical, as if from an Old Testament Baroque painting.
I reach for his hand, which he willingly entrusts to me, and guide that hand up to his chest to dry it, sweeping the towel slowly, awkwardly across his body. Once, twice—then again. He’s completely immobilized, rigid with tension, except for his eyes, which follow my hand clasped around his.
My subconscious looks on with approval, her normally pursed mouth smiling, and I am the supreme puppet master. His anxiety ripples off his back in waves, but he maintains eye contact, though his eyes are darker, more deadly … showing their secrets, maybe.
Is this a place I want to go? Do I want to confront his demons?
“I think you’re dry now,” I whisper as I drop my hand, gazing into the depths of his eyes in the mirror. His breathing is accelerated, lips parted.
“I need you, Anastasia,” he whispers.
“I need you, too.” And as I say the words, I am struck how true they are. I cannot imagine being without Christian, ever.
“Let me love you,” he says hoarsely.
“Yes,” I answer, and turning, he hauls me into his arms, his lips seeking mine, beseeching me, worshipping me, cherishing me … loving me.
HE TRAILS HIS FINGERS up and down my spine as we gaze at each other, basking in our postcoital bliss, replete. We lie together, me on my front hugging my pillow, he on his side, and I am treasuring his tender touch. I know that right now he needs to touch me. I am a balm for him, a source of solace, and how could I deny him that? I feel exactly the same about him.
“So you can be gentle,” I murmur.
“Hmm … so it would seem, Miss Steele.”
I grin. “You weren’t particularly the first time we … um, did this.”
“No?” He smirks. “When I robbed you of your virtue.”
“I don’t think you robbed me,” I mutter haughtily—I am not a helpless maiden. “I think my virtue was offered up pretty freely and willingly. I wanted you too, and if I remember correctly, I rather enjoyed myself.” I smile shyly at him, biting my lip.
“So did I if I recall, Miss Steele. We aim to please,” he drawls and his face softens, serious. “And it means you’re mine, completely.” All trace of humor has vanished as he gazes at me.
“Yes, I am,” I murmur back at him. “I wanted to ask you something.”
“Go ahead.”
“Your biological father … do you know who he was?” This thought has been bugging me.
His brow creases, and then he shakes his head. “I have no idea. Wasn’t the savage who was her pimp, which is good.”
“How do you know?”
“Something my dad … something Carrick said to me.”
I gaze at my Fifty expectantly, waiting.
“So hungry for information, Anastasia,” he sighs, shaking his head. “The pimp discovered the crack whore’s body and phoned it in to the authorities. Took him four days to make the discovery, though. He shut the door when he left … left me with her … her body.” His eyes cloud at the memory.
I inhale sharply. Poor baby boy—the horror is too grim to contemplate.
“Police interviewed him later. He denied flat out I had anything to do with him, and Carrick said he looked nothing like me.”
“Do you remember what he did look like?”
“Anastasia, this isn’t a part of my life I revisit very often. Yes, I remember what he looked like. I’ll never forget him.” Christian’s face darkens and hardens, becoming more angular, his eyes frosting with anger. “Can we talk about something else?”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
He shakes his head. “It’s old news, Ana. Not something I want to think about.”
“So what’s this surprise, then?” I need to change the subject before he goes all Fifty on me. His expression lightens immediately.
“Can you face going out for some fresh air? I want to show you something.”
“Of course.”
I marvel how quickly he turns—mercurial as ever. He grins at me with his boyish, carefree, I’m-only-twenty-seven smile, and my heart lurches into my mouth. So it’s something close to his heart, I can tell. He swats me playfully on my behind.
“Get dressed. Jeans will be good. I hope Taylor’s packed some for you.”
He rises and pulls on his boxer briefs. Oh … I could sit here all day, watching him wander around the room.
“Up,” he scolds, bossy as ever. I gaze at him, grinning.
“Just admiring the view.”
He rolls his eyes at me.
As we dress, I notice that we move with the synchronization of two people who know each other well, each watchful and acutely aware of the other, exchanging the occasional shy smile and sweet touch. And it dawns on me that this is just as new for him as it is for me.
“Dry your hair,” Christian orders once we’re dressed.
“Domineering as ever.” I smirk at him, and he leans down to kiss my hair.
“That’s never going to change, baby. I don’t want you sick.”
I roll my eyes at him, and his mouth twists in amusement.
“My palms still twitch, you know, Miss Steele.”
“I am glad to hear it, Mr. Grey. I was beginning to think you were losing your edge.”
“I could easily demonstrate that is not the case, should you so wish.” Christian drags a large, cream, cable-knit sweater out of his bag and drapes it artfully over his shoulders. With his white T-shirt and jeans, his artfully rumpled hair, and now this, he looks as if he’s stepped out of the pages of a high-end glossy magazine.
No one should look this good. And I don’t know if it’s the momentary distraction of his perfect looks or the knowledge that he loves me, but his threat no longer fills me with dread. This is my Fifty Shades; this is the way he is.
As I reach for the hair dryer, a tangible ray of hope blossoms. We will find a middle way. We just have to recognize each other’s needs and accommodate them. I can do that, surely?
I gaze at myself in the dresser mirror. I’m wearing the pale blue shirt that Taylor bought and had packed for me. My hair is a mess, my face flushed, my lips swollen—I touch them, remembering Christian’s searing kisses, and I can’t help a small smile as I stare. Yes, I do, he said.
“WHERE ARE WE GOING, exactly?” I ask as we wait in the lobby for the parking valet.
Christian taps the side of his nose and winks at me conspiratorially, looking like he’s desperately trying to contain his glee. Frankly, it’s very un-Fifty.
He was like this when we went gliding—perhaps that’s what we’re doing. I beam back at him. He stares down his nose at me in that superior way he has with his lopsided grin. Leaning down, he kisses me gently.
“Do you have any idea how happy you make me feel?” he murmurs.
“Yes … I know exactly. Because you do the same for me.”
The valet zooms up in Christian’s car, wearing an enormous grin. Jeez, everyone is so happy today.
“Great car, sir,” he mumbles as he hands over the keys. Christian winks and gives him an obscenely large tip.
I frown at him. Honestly.
AS WE CRUISE THROUGH the traffic, Christian is deep in thought. A young woman’s voice comes over the loudspeakers; it has a beautiful, rich, mellow timbre, and I lose myself in her sad, soulful voice.
“I need to make a detour. It shouldn’t take long,” he says absentmindedly, distracting me from the song.
Oh, why? I’m intrigued to know the surprise. My inner goddess is bouncing about like a five-year-old.
“Sure,” I murmur. Something is amiss. Suddenly he looks grimly determined.
He pulls into the parking lot of a large car dealership, stops the car, and turns to face me, his expression wary.
“We need to get you a new car,” he says. I gape at him.
Now? On a Sunday? What the hell? And this is a Saab dealership.
“Not an Audi?” is, stupidly, the only thing I can think of to say, and bless him, he actually flushes.
Christian, embarrassed. This is a first!
“I thought you might like something else,” he mutters. He’s almost squirming.
Oh, please … This is too valuable an opportunity not to tease him. I smirk. “A Saab?”
“Yeah. A 9-3. Come.”
“What is it with you and foreign cars?”
“The Germans and the Swedes make the safest cars in the world, Anastasia.”
Do they? “I thought you’d already ordered me another Audi A3?”
He gives me a darkly amused look. “I can cancel that. Come.” Climbing out of the car, he strolls to my side and opens my door.
“I owe you a graduation present,” he says and holds his hand out for me.
“Christian, you really don’t have to do this.”
“Yes, I do. Please. Come.” His tone says he’s not to be trifled with.
I resign myself to my fate. A Saab? Do I want a Saab? I quite liked the Audi Submissive Special. It was very nifty.
Of course, now it’s under a ton of white paint … I shudder. And she’s still out there.
I take Christian’s hand, and we wander into the showroom.
Troy Turniansky, the salesman, is all over Fifty like a cheap suit. He can smell a sale. His accent sounds oddly mid-Atlantic, maybe British? It’s difficult to tell.
“A Saab, sir? Pre-owned?” He rubs his hands with glee.
“New.” Christian’s lips set into a hard line.
New!
“Did you have a model in mind, sir?” And he’s smarmy, too.
“9-3 2.0T Sport Sedan.”
“An excellent choice, sir.”
“What color, Anastasia?” Christian inclines his head.
“Er … black?” I shrug. “You really don’t need to do this.”
He frowns. “Black’s not easily seen at night.”
Oh, for heaven’s sake. I resist the temptation to roll my eyes. “You have a black car.”
He scowls at me.
“Canary yellow, then.” I shrug.
Christian makes a face—canary yellow is obviously not his thing.
“What color do you want me to have?” I ask as if he’s a small child, which he is in many ways. The thought is unwelcome—sad and sobering at once.
“Silver or white.”
“Silver, then. You know I’ll take the Audi,” I add, chastened by my thoughts.
Troy pales, sensing he’s losing a sale. “Perhaps you’d like the convertible, ma’am?” he asks, clapping his hands with enthusiasm.
My subconscious is cringing in disgust, mortified by the whole buying-a-car business, but my inner goddess tackles her to the floor. Convertible? Drool!
Christian frowns and peers at me. “Convertible?” he asks, raising an eyebrow.
I flush. It’s like he has a direct hotline to my inner goddess, which, of course, he has. It’s most inconvenient at times. I stare down at my hands.
Christian turns to Troy. “What are the safety stats on the convertible?”
Troy, sensing Christian’s vulnerability, heads in for the kill, reeling off all manner of statistics.
Naturally Christian wants me safe. It’s a religion with him, and like the zealot he is, he listens intently to Troy’s well-honed patter. Fifty really does care.
Yes. I do. I remember his whispered, choked words from this morning, and a melting glow spreads like warm honey through my veins. This man—God’s gift to women—loves me.
I find myself grinning goofily at him, and when he glances down at me, he’s amused yet puzzled by my expression. I want to hug myself, I am so happy.
“Whatever you’re high on, I’d like some, Miss Steele,” he murmurs as Troy heads off to his computer.
“I’m high on you, Mr. Grey.”
“Really? Well you certainly look intoxicated.” He kisses me briefly. “And thank you for accepting the car. That was easier than last time.”
He smirks. “That’s not the car for you.”
“I liked it.”
“Sir, the 9-3? I’ve located one at our Beverly Hills dealership. We can have it here for you in a couple of days.” Troy glows with triumph.
“Top of the range?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Excellent.” Christian produces his credit card, or is it Taylor’s? The thought is unnerving. I wonder how Taylor is, and if he’s located Leila in the apartment. I rub my forehead. Yes, there’s all of Christian’s baggage, too.
“If you’ll come this way, Mr.”—Troy glances at the name on the card—“Grey.”
CHRISTIAN OPENS MY DOOR, and I climb back into the passenger seat.
“Thank you,” I say when he’s seated beside me.
He smiles.
“You’re most welcome, Anastasia.”
The music starts again as Christian starts the engine.
“Who’s this?” I ask.
“Eva Cassidy.”
“She has a lovely voice.”
“She does, she did.”
“Oh.”
“She died young.”
“Oh.”
“Are you hungry? You didn’t finish all your breakfast.” He glances quickly at me, disapproval outlined on his face.
Uh-oh. “Yes.”
“Lunch first, then.”
Christian drives toward the waterfront and then heads north along the Alaskan Way Viaduct. It’s another beautiful day in Seattle; it’s been uncharacteristically fine for the last few weeks.
Christian looks happy and relaxed as we sit back listening to Eva Cassidy’s sweet, soulful voice and cruise down the highway. Have I ever felt this comfortable in his company before? I don’t know.
I am less nervous of his moods, confident that he won’t punish me, and he seems more comfortable with me, too. He turns left, following the coast road, and eventually pulls up in a parking lot opposite a vast marina.
“We’ll eat here. I’ll open your door,” he says in such a way that I know it’s not wise to move, and I watch him move around the car. Will this ever get old?