HOLLY HELD HER BREATH, AND with tears in her eyes and a pounding heart, she read the familiar handwriting knowing that the person who had sat down to write to her would never be able to do so again. She ran her fingers over his words knowing that the last person to have touched the page was him.
My darling Holly,
I don’t know where you are or when exactly you are reading this. I just hope that my letter has found you safe and healthy. You whispered to me not long ago that you couldn’t go on alone.
You can, Holly.
You are strong and brave and you can get through this. We shared some beautiful times together and you made my life . . . you made my life. I have no regrets. But I am just a chapter in your life, there will be many more. Remember our wonderful memories, but please don’t be afraid to make some more.
Thank you for doing me the honor of being my wife. For everything, I am eternally grateful.
Whenever you need me, know that I am with you.
Love Forever,
Your husband and best friend,
Gerry
PS, I promised a list, so here it is. The following envelopes must be opened exactly when labeled and must be obeyed. And remember, I’m looking out for you, so I will know . . .
Holly broke down, sadness sweeping over her. Yet she felt relief at the same time; relief that Gerry would somehow continue to be with her for another little while. She leafed through the small white envelopes and searched through the months. It was April now. She had missed March, and so she delicately picked out that envelope. She opened it slowly, wanting to savor every moment. Inside was a small card with Gerry’s handwriting on it. It read: Save yourself the bruises and buy yourself a bedside lamp!
PS, I love you . . .
Her tears turned to laughter as she realized her Gerry was back!
Holly read and reread his letter over and over in an attempt to summon him back to life again.
Eventually, when she could no longer see the words through her tears, she looked out to the sea.
She had always found the sea so calming, and even as a child she would run across the road to the beach if she was upset and needed to think. Her parents knew that when she went missing from the house they would find her here by the sea.
She closed her eyes and breathed in and out along with the gentle sighing of the waves. It was as though the sea were taking big deep breaths, pulling the water in while it inhaled and pushing it all back up onto the sand as it exhaled. She continued to breathe along with it and felt her pulse rate slow down as she became calmer. She thought about how she used to lie by Gerry’s side during his final days and listen to the sound of his breathing. She had been terrified to leave him to answer the door, to fix him some food or to go to the toilet, just in case that was the time he chose to leave her. When she would return to his bedside she would sit frozen in a terrified silence while she listened for his breathing and watched his chest for any movement.
But he always managed to hang on. He had baffled the doctors with his strength and determination to live; Gerry wasn’t prepared to go without a fight. He kept his good humor right up until the end. He was so weak and his voice so quiet, but Holly had learned to understand his new language as a mother does her babbling child just learning to talk. They would giggle together late into the night, and other nights they would hold each other and cry. Holly remained strong for him throughout, as her new job was to be there for him whenever he needed her. Looking back on it, she knew that she needed him more than he needed her. She needed to be needed so she could feel she wasn’t just idly standing by, utterly helpless.
On the second of February at four o’clock in the morning, Holly held Gerry’s hand tightly and smiled at him encouragingly as he took his last breath and closed his eyes. She didn’t want him to be afraid, and she didn’t want him to feel that she was afraid, because at that moment she wasn’t. She had felt relief, relief that his pain was gone, and relief that she had been there with him to witness the peace of his passing. She felt relieved to have known him, to love him and to be loved by him, and relief that the last thing he saw was her face smiling down on him, encouraging him and assuring him it was OK to let go.
The days after that were a blur to her now. She had occupied herself by making the funeral arrangements and by meeting and greeting his relatives and old school friends that she hadn’t seen for years. She had remained so solid and calm through it all because she felt that she could finally think clearly. She was just thankful that after months his suffering was over. It didn’t occur to her to feel the anger or bitterness that she felt now for the life that had been taken away from her. That feeling didn’t arrive until she went to collect her husband’s death certificate.
And that feeling made a grand appearance.
As she sat in the crowded waiting room of her local health clinic waiting for her number to be called, she wondered why on earth Gerry’s number had been called so early in his life. She sat sandwiched between a young couple and an elderly couple. The picture of what she and Gerry had once been and a glimpse of the future that could have been. And it all just seemed unfair.
She felt squashed between the shoulders of her past and her lost future, and she felt suffocated.
She realized she shouldn’t have had to be there.
None of her friends had to be there.
None of her family had to be there.
In fact, the majority of the population of the world didn’t have to be in the position she was in right now.
It didn’t seem fair.
Because it just wasn’t fair.
After presenting the official proof of her husband’s death to bank managers and insurance companies, as if the look on her face weren’t enough proof, Holly returned home to her nest and locked herself away from the rest of the world, which contained hundreds of memories of the life she had once had. The life she had been very happy with. So why had she been given another one, and a far worse one at that?
That was two months ago and she hadn’t left the house until today. And what a welcome she had been given, she thought, smiling down at the envelopes. Gerry was back.
Holly could hardly contain her excitement as she furiously dialed Sharon’s number with trembling hands. After reaching a few wrong numbers she eventually calmed herself and concentrated on dialing the correct number.
“Sharon!” she squealed as soon as the phone was picked up. “You’ll never guess what! Oh my God, I can’t believe it!”
“Eh no . . . it’s John, but I’ll get her for you now.” A very worried John rushed off to get Sharon.
“What, what, what?” panted a very out-of-breath Sharon. “What’s wrong? Are you OK?”
“Yes I’m fine!” Holly giggled hysterically, not knowing whether to laugh or cry and suddenly forgetting how to structure a sentence.
John watched as Sharon sat down at her kitchen table looking very confused while she tried with all her strength to make sense of the rambling Holly on the other end. It was something about Mrs. Kennedy giving Holly a brown envelope with a bedside lamp in it. It was all very worrying.
“Stop! ” shouted Sharon, much to Holly and John’s surprise. “I cannot understand a word you are saying, so please,” Sharon spoke very slowly, “slow down, take a deep breath and start from the very beginning, preferably using words from the English language.”
Suddenly she heard quiet sobs from the other end.
“Oh, Sharon,” Holly’s words were quiet and broken, “he wrote me a list. Gerry wrote me a list.”
Sharon froze in her chair while she digested this information.
John watched his wife’s eyes widen and he quickly pulled out a chair and sat next to her and shoved his head toward the telephone so he could hear what was going on.
“OK, Holly, I want you to get over here as quickly but as safely as you can.” She paused again and swatted John’s head away as if he were a fly so she could concentrate on what she had just heard. “This is . . . great news?”
John stood up from the table insulted and began to pace the kitchen floor trying to guess what it could be.
“Oh it is, Sharon,” sobbed Holly. “It really is.”
“OK, make your way over here now and we can talk about it.”
“OK.”
Sharon hung up the phone and sat in silence.
“What? What is it?” demanded John, unable to bear being left out of this obviously serious event.
“Oh sorry, love. Holly’s on the way over. She . . . em . . . she said that, eh . . .”
“What? For Christ’s sake?”
“She said that Gerry wrote her a list.”
John stared at her, studied her face and tried to decide if she was serious. Sharon’s worried blue eyes stared back at him and he realized she was. He joined her at the table and they both sat in silence and stared at the wall, lost in thought.