IT WAS PEACEFUL IN BELLA’S ROOM TONIGHT. EVEN THE FITFUL RAIN, which usually made her uneasy, did not disturb her. Despite the pain, I was peaceful, too—calmer than I’d been in my own home with my mother’s arms around me. Bella mumbled my name in her sleep, as she often did, and smiled as she said it.
In the morning, Charlie mentioned her cheerful mood over breakfast, and it was my turn to smile. At least, if nothing else, I made her happy, too.
She climbed into my car quickly today, with a wide, eager smile, seeming just as hungry to be together as I was.
“How did you sleep?” I asked her.
“Fine. How was your night?”
I smiled. “Pleasant.”
She pursed her lips. “Can I ask what you did?” I could imagine what my level of interest would be if I had to spend eight hours unconscious, totally unaware of her. But I wasn’t ready to answer that question now… or maybe ever.
“No. Today is still mine.”
She sighed and rolled her eyes. “I don’t think there’s anything I haven’t told you.”
“Tell me more about your mother.”
It was one of my favorite subjects, because it was obviously one of hers.
“Okay. Um, my mom is kind of… wild, I guess? Not like a tiger is wild, like a sparrow, like a deer. She just, doesn’t do well in cages? My gran—who was totally normal, by the way, and had no idea where my mom came from—used to call her a will-o’-the-wisp. I got the feeling that raising my mom through her teenage years was no cakewalk. Anyway, it’s pretty hard for her to stay in one place very long. Getting to wander off with Phil with no sure end destination in mind… well, I think it’s the happiest I’ve ever seen her. She tried really hard for me, though. Made do with weekend adventures and constantly switching jobs. I did what I could to free her from all the mundane stuff. I imagine Phil will do the same. I feel like… kind of a bad daughter. Because I’m a little relieved, you know?” She made an apologetic face, turning her palms up. “She doesn’t have to stay in place for me anymore. That’s a weight off. And then Charlie… I never thought about him needing me, but he really does. That house is too empty for him.”
I nodded thoughtfully, sifting through this mine of information. I wished I could meet this woman who had shaped so much of Bella’s character. Part of me would have preferred that Bella had an easier, more traditional childhood—that she could have gotten to be the child. But she wouldn’t have been the same person, and truly, she didn’t seem resentful in any way. She liked to be the caretaker, liked to be needed.
Perhaps this was the real secret as to why she was drawn to me. Had anyone ever needed her more?
I left her at her classroom door, and the morning passed much as the day before. Alice and I sleepwalked our way through Gym. I watched Bella’s face through Jessica Stanley’s eyes again, noting, as the human girl did, how very little of Bella seemed to be in the classroom at all.
I wonder why Bella doesn’t want to talk about it? Jessica wondered. Keeping him to herself, I guess. Unless she was telling the truth before, and there’s nothing actually happening. Her mind ran over Bella’s denials on Wednesday morning—It’s not like that, when Jessica had asked about kissing—and her inference that Bella had looked disappointed.
That would be like torture, Jessica thought now. Look but don’t touch.
The word startled me.
Like torture? Obviously an exaggeration, but… would such a thing actually cause Bella pain—no matter how minor? Surely not, knowing as she did the realities of the situation. I frowned and caught Alice’s questioning glance. I shook my head at her.
She looks happy enough, Jessica was thinking, watching Bella as she stared through the clerestory windows with unfocused eyes. She must have been lying to me. Or there have been new developments.
Oh! Alice’s sudden stillness alerted me at the same time as her mental exclamation. The picture in her mind was of the cafeteria at some near future date and…
Well, it’s about time! she thought, breaking into a huge grin.
The pictures developed—Alice standing behind my shoulder in the cafeteria today, across the table from Bella. The very brief introduction. How it began was not yet fixed. It wavered, dependent on some other factor. But it would be soon, if not today.
I sighed, absently swatting the birdie back across the net. It flew better than it would have had my attention been focused; I scored a point as the coach blew his whistle to end class. Alice was already moving toward the door.
Don’t be such a baby. It’s not much. And I can already see that you won’t stop me.
I closed my eyes and shook my head. “No, it won’t be very much,” I agreed quietly as we walked together.
“I can be patient. Baby steps.”
I rolled my eyes.
It was always a relief when I could leave the secondary vantage points behind and just see Bella for myself, but I was still thinking about Jessica’s assumptions when Bella came through the classroom door. She smiled a wide, warm smile, and it looked to me, too, like she was very happy. I shouldn’t worry about impossibilities when they weren’t bothering her.
There was one line of questions that I had been reluctant to open thus far. But with Jessica’s thoughts still in my head, I was suddenly more curious than I was averse.
We sat at what was now our usual table, and she picked at the food I’d gotten for her—I’d been quicker than her today.
“Tell me about your first date,” I said.
Her eyes got bigger, and her cheeks flushed. She hesitated.
“You’re not going to tell me?”
“I’m just not sure… what actually counts.”
“Put the qualifications at their lowest setting,” I suggested.
She stared toward the ceiling, thinking with her lips pursed. “Well, then I guess that would be Mike—a different Mike,” she said quickly when my expression changed. “He was my square-dancing partner in the sixth grade. I was invited to his birthday party—it was a movie.” She smiled. “The second Mighty Ducks. I was the only one who showed up. Later, people said it was a date. I don’t know who started that rumor.”
I’d seen the school pictures in her father’s house, so I had a mental reference for eleven-year-old Bella. It sounded like things weren’t so different for her then. “That’s perhaps setting the bar a little too low.”
She grinned. “You said the lowest setting.”
“Continue, then.”
Her lips twisted to the side as she considered. “A few friends were going to the ice rink with some boys. They needed me to even up the numbers. I wouldn’t have gone if I’d realized that it meant I was matched up with Reed Merchant.” She shuddered delicately. “And of course, I figured out pretty quickly that ice skating was a bad idea. My injuries were minor, but the plus side was that I got to sit by the snack bar and read for the rest of the night.” She smiled, almost… triumphantly.
“Shall we skip to an actual date?”
“You mean like, someone asked me out in advance and then we went someplace alone together?”
“That sounds like a workable definition.”
She smiled the same triumphant smile. “Sorry, then, I’ve got nothing.”
I frowned. “No one ever asked you out on a date before you came here? Really?”
“I’m not totally sure. Is it a date? Is it just friends hanging out?” She shrugged. “Not that it mattered much. I never had time for either. After a while the word gets around, and no one asks again.”
“Were you actually busy? Or making excuses like you do here?”
“Actually busy,” she insisted, a little offended. “Running a house is time-consuming, and I usually had a part-time job, too, not to mention school. If I’m going to get to college, I’m going to need a full-ride scholarship, and—”
“Hold that thought,” I interrupted. “Before we move on to the next subject, I’d like to finish this one. If you hadn’t been so busy, were any of these invitations ones you would have liked to accept?”
She tilted her head to the side. “Not really. I mean, other than just to have a night out. They weren’t particularly interesting boys.”
“And other boys? Who didn’t ask?”
She shook her head, her clear eyes appearing to hide nothing. “I wasn’t paying that much attention.”
My eyes narrowed. “So you never met anyone you wanted?”
She sighed again. “Not in Phoenix.”
We stared at each other for a moment while I processed the fact that, just as she was my first love, according to this I was also her first… infatuation at the very least. This alignment pleased me in some strange way, but also troubled me. Surely this was a warped, unhealthy way for her to begin her romantic life. And then there was the knowledge that she would be both first and last for me. It would not be the same for a human heart.
“I know it’s not my day, but—”
“No, it’s not.”
“C’mon,” she insisted. “I just spilled my entire embarrassing lack-of-dating history.”
I smiled. “Mine is quite similar, actually—minus the ice-skating and trick birthday parties. I haven’t been paying much attention, either.”
She looked like she didn’t quite believe me, but it was true. I’d also had a few offers I’d turned down. Not quite the same kind of offers, I admitted to myself, picturing Tanya’s pouting face.
“Which college would you like to go to?” I asked.
“Um…” She shook her head just slightly, as if to adjust to the new subject. “Well, I used to think ASU was the most practical, because I could live at home. But with Mom moving around now, I guess my field is more open. It will have to be a state school—something reasonable—even with a scholarship. When I first came here… well, I was glad that Charlie doesn’t live close enough to Washington State to make that practical.”
“Are you disparaging our fine state’s Cougars?”
“Nothing against the institution—just the weather.”
“And if you could go anywhere—if the cost were no object—where would you go?”
While she considered my question about this hypothetical future, I tried to picture a future that I could live with. Bella at twenty, at twenty-two, twenty-four… how long before she outgrew me, unchanging as I was? I would accept that time limit if it meant that she could be healthy and human and happy. If only I could make myself safe for her, right for her, make myself fit into that happy picture for every second of the time that she allowed me.
I wondered again how I could make this happen—be with her without negatively impacting her life. Stay in Persephone’s spring, keep her safe from my underworld.
It was easy to see that she wouldn’t be happy in my usual haunts. Obviously. But as long as she wanted me, I would follow her. It would mean many slow days indoors, but that was such a negligible price, it was barely worth noting.
“I’d have to do some research. Most of the fancy schools are in the snow zone.” She grinned. “I wonder what colleges in Hawaii are like?”
“Lovely, I’m sure. And after school? What then?” I realized how important it was for me to know her plans for the future. So I didn’t derail them. So I could shape this unlikely future into the best version to suit her.
“Something with books. I always thought I would teach like—well, not exactly like my mom. If I could… I’d like to teach on a college level somewhere—probably a community college. Elective English classes—so that everyone who’s signed up is there because they want to be.”
“Is that what you’ve always wanted?”
She shrugged. “Mostly. I once thought of working for a publisher—as an editor or something.” Her nose wrinkled. “I did some research. It’s a lot easier to get a job as a teacher. Much more practical.”
Her dreams all had clipped wings—not like those of the usual teenager off to conquer the world. Obviously a product of facing realities long before she should have had to.
She took a bite of her bagel, chewing thoughtfully. I wondered if she was still thinking of the future, or something else. I wondered whether she saw any glimpse of me in that future.
My mind strayed to tomorrow. It should have thrilled me—the idea of a whole day with her. So much time. But I could only think of the moment when she would see what I really was. When I could no longer hide behind my human façade. I tried to imagine her response, and though I was so often wrong when trying to predict her feelings, I knew it could only go two ways. The only valid reaction besides revulsion would be terror.
I wanted to believe that there was a third possibility. That she would forgive what I was as she had done so often in the past. That she would accept me despite everything. But I couldn’t picture it.
Would I have the nerve to keep my promise? Could I live with myself if I hid this from her?
I thought of the first time I’d seen Carlisle in the sun. I was very young then, still obsessed with blood over anything else, but that sight had caught my attention the way little else had. Though I trusted Carlisle utterly, though I’d already begun to love him, I felt fear. It was all too impossible, too alien. The instinct to defend myself was triggered, and it was several long moments before his calm and reassuring thoughts could have any effect on me. Eventually he talked me into stepping forward myself, to see that the phenomenon did no harm.
And I remembered seeing myself in the brilliant morning light and realizing—more profoundly than I ever had thus far—that I had no relationship at all to my former self. That I was not human.
But it wasn’t fair to hide myself from her. It was a lie of omission.
I tried to see her with me in the meadow, what the picture would look like if I weren’t a monster. It was such a beautiful, peaceful place. How I wished she could enjoy it with me still there.
Edward, Alice thought urgently, a hint of panic in her tone that froze me in place.
Suddenly, I was caught up in one of Alice’s visions, staring into a bright circle of sunlight. Disorienting, because I’d just been imagining myself and Bella there—the little meadow where no one ever went besides me—so I wasn’t sure at first that I was seeing inside Alice’s mind and not my own.
But it was different from my own picture—future, not past. Bella stared at me, rainbows dancing across her face, her eyes fathomless. So I was brave enough.
It’s the same place, Alice thought, her mind full of a horror that did not match the vision. Tension, perhaps, but horror? What did she mean, the same place?
And then I saw it.
Edward! Alice protested shrilly. I love her, Edward!