Dependence on harmony with others (especially the marriage
partner) is the primary issue for Aries North Node people in this
lifetime. Actually, the problem goes beyond dependence—it may
involve total identification with the partner, and sometimes with all
significant others. Aries North Nodes often become so identified
with their partners that they are overwhelmed by the other person’s
emotions. When the other person feels distraught, their first reaction
is to rush to say whatever is necessary to restore harmony so that
they (Aries North Nodes) can feel better. They handle the partner as
an extension of themselves, and then they lose patience trying to get
the other person to “straighten up” and be harmonious so that they
can feel comfortable with themselves again. But their sense of
urgency generally makes things worse.
These folks need to notice that when they try to regain their own
inner harmony by manipulating their partner, it doesn’t work. What
does work when they feel a lack of harmony from their partner is to
politely excuse themselves and spend some time alone. Aries North
Nodes need to respect others enough to allow them to experience
whatever they are feeling and to work through it on their own,
unless they ask for help. This is how people reach a deeper level of
self-awareness.
Additionally, these natives can gain a better understanding of
what is happening with their partner when they get a little distance.
This is why it is crucial for them to have their own space
surrounded by their own personal possessions to reinforce their
sense of identity. They need a private place to go when they become
overidentified with the partner—a place where they can be alone.
These folks can never experience inner tranquility as long as
they refuse to acknowledge their own boundaries—and their
partner’s—and allow another person to be their “center.” For
example, I had an Aries North Node client who came to me hoping
to resolve marriage difficulties. He had been married for twentythree years, had a great deal of money, and his pattern had always
been to appease his wife’s moods by buying her things. They
traveled extensively—anything to keep her happy—because when
she was happy, he was happy. But it was all manipulation on his
part so he could remain undisturbed and have a sense of solidity,
because he had placed her at his center.
Over the years she became increasingly difficult to please, and
eventually nothing could satisfy her. She became verbally abusive
to other family members as a way of generating a sense of her own
substance and individual personhood. The destructiveness
accelerated until the negative energy even made her unhappy.
My client was beside himself; nothing he could do would keep
his partner happy and his own center undisturbed. This is a lesson
Aries North Node people are learning: Even under ideal conditions,
it is impossible to remain peaceful when someone else rests in your
center. None of us really knows what can keep another person
happy, and we rob them of the challenge of discovering and
fulfilling themselves if we take on that responsibility. If my client
had not distracted his wife from her moments of unhappiness so that
he could stay calm, she would have had the opportunity to learn to
handle her own moods. This might have averted her need to become
destructive as a means of finally being in charge of her own inner
state of being.
Aries North Node people are not accustomed to declaring the
boundaries of their own identity—immediately, as those boundaries
arise within them. They still feel a need to support their partner,
even if it goes against their own best interests. So if their partner
disagrees with something they want to do, they may say: “Okay, I
won’t do it,” but decide they are going to do it anyway. By not
honestly standing up for themselves, they reinforce the unhealthy
dependence within the relationship.
Some of these kinds of problems stem from the tremendous love
and compassion that these folks are born with. They have spent so
many past lifetimes developing sensitivity that now it is not unusual
for them to feel more compassionate toward another person or
situation than their partner does. Sometimes the partner may not
want to deal with a certain problem and the Aries North Node says:
“Okay, we won’t,” in order to avoid disharmony. Then he starts to
feel resentful, yet helpless to correct the situation. His need to
support others can lead him to go behind his partner’s back and lend
a helping hand; but then his partner feels a breach of trust, which
damages the relationship, and the Aries North Node person feels
unsupported in being who he really is.
Resolution for this problem can come through both parties
expanding their idea of “we” to become more flexible: sometimes
as a team, and sometimes as two separate individuals. In the above
situation, Aries North Node should communicate what he is
experiencing—which takes a lot of courage. For example: “Okay—
I hear that you feel resistance to supporting this situation, and I
want to put energy into it. So I will do this independently.” When
the recognition of a different preference arises, these folks need to
risk saying: “I don’t feel that way about it.” The problem isn’t in
doing what they feel is correct; the problem is in lying about it.
In seeking a mate or any other close connection, Aries North
Node people are subconsciously seeking a relationship in which
they can lose themselves. They wish to become so submerged in the
other person that they are totally “safe.” It’s the old “1/2 + 1/2 = 1
whole” theory, but it doesn’t work for these people. Rather, they are
here to learn that “1 whole + 1 whole = a healthy team.”
However, until they become aware, they will attempt to find
someone with whom they can identify, and then they pour all their
love and support into reinforcing that other person. But when they
seek a partner from this position, it never works out. Often they are
attracted to people who abuse them or let them down. In fact, just
the opposite approach is scheduled to work for these folks. They
need to stop focusing on others and concentrate on themselves
instead. As they begin to focus on being themselves, allowing their
own true, unique identity to emerge, and going in their own
individual direction, their energy will attract the right person—
someone who will appreciate and value them.
Aries North Node people are so accustomed to the joys of
partnership from past lives that they subconsciously associate being
happy with being in a relationship that is mutually, joyfully
symbiotic. They came into this lifetime wanting to do everything
with their partner, all the time. They are basically cheerful people,
but an energy drain is taking place beneath the surface of the
relationship that is based on feelings of dependence. Aries North
Nodes’ need for attention and to be included as part of the other
person’s identity are a bottomless pit.
Subconsciously, these folks believe they cannot survive without
the energy of others. So they tend to cultivate a mutual dependence
with stronger people around them. They take time and energy away
from their own goals to help the partner reach hers. They give of
their understanding, being more sensitive to others’ needs than to
their own. In this way they create a dependence, becoming an
integral part of what the other person needs to survive.
Then Aries North Node people resent their partners for
“interfering” with their independence and blame them when they
don’t reach their goals, even though the Aries North Nodes created
the unhealthy dependence. They think it’s love (indeed, these folks
are very loving and cooperative), but a lot of their self-sacrifice is
subconscious manipulation. Love never expects anything in return
for giving, and resentment is a by-product of expecting something
and not getting it. Aries North Node people must learn to be honest
with themselves and others about how much they are willing to give
and what they expect in return. Being part of a team means making
sure they are also supported.
Because these folks are learning the lesson of not depending on
others, they subconsciously attract people who are undependable.
Although this gives them the opportunity to learn to depend on
themselves, the process can be quite painful.
Aries North Node people are often so intent on influencing the
relationship in ways that result in the complete integration of two
people that they don’t fully notice the partner’s identity. They see
the other person only in terms of what it takes to please him or her.
They don’t generally stop to notice who the other person is on a
deeper level, in terms of his or her true inner identity. Worse yet,
because they are looking for someone to fill their center so they can
feel complete, they assume that others also lack a sense of self and
are looking for a partner in order to gain a sense of completion.
Thus, they enter relationships with some very naïve and inaccurate
premises.
Operating with flawed ideas of who the other person is and what
he or she wants, Aries North Node people often become deeply
emotionally invested and then end up confused when the other
person leaves or lets them down. Many other people do have a
sense of their own center, and many independent types will rebel
against the stifling aspect of Aries North Node wanting to be
connected at every moment, in consciousness if not physically.
Aries North Node people tend to gravitate to people who are
selfish and require a great deal of personal attention. They attract
types who expect total attention and accept their energy without
giving back on an equal basis. Through indiscriminate giving, Aries
North Nodes may also inadvertently cause an initially sensitive
partner to become insensitive.
Generally, these folks are better off around people who show
some sensitivity in return. They are more comfortable around
people with whom they don’t have to “clash energy.” They have a
tendency to allow the other person to completely submerge them, so
they need to be with someone who encourages them to be
themselves and who won’t abuse their loving, giving nature. Of
course, letting people know where they stand helps others to be
sensitive in return.
Aries North Node people sometimes are so attached to peace
and harmony that they inadvertently damage their relationships by
avoiding all conflict. They may start out saying: “Okay, I’m going
to be a team player” and then foresee a conflict; rather than deal
with it when it comes along, they postpone it until it becomes a
major dispute.
Their challenge is to be vigilant in consistently standing their
ground and verbalizing their impulses right away. For example, if
an idea excites them, they need to say: “I want to do this” rather
than lie about it or downplay it. What stops them is their fear that
they are coming from a different point of view—or have a different
objective—from that of their partner. They feel threatened because
—when they don’t deal with it instantly—they magnify the
difference in their mind, telling themselves that it is so vast it can
never be resolved. Actually, if Aries North Node people honestly
reveal where they stand right from the start, these differences
become opportunities to connect more deeply with their partner.
Often these folks postpone telling the truth for fear of widening
an existing difference of opinion. If they want to do something and
know their partner will object, they may try to do it without the
other person knowing. Then, when the other person finds out, the
difference of opinion remains, along with hurt and a breach of trust.
By not discussing the situation, they have deprived their partner of
the opportunity to be generous and support them in doing something
for their own growth. Now a discussion may pacify the situation,
but there will be a lot of work to do to repair the damage to the
relationship.
For example, I had an Aries North Node client who was an
airline pilot. As a side business, he delivered airplanes—which he
greatly enjoyed. He wanted to deliver an airplane to Turkey, but his
wife wanted him to keep other family commitments. He knew she
didn’t want him to go on this particular trip, but he felt he needed to
do it—so he began making plans for the delivery without discussing
it with her. Then, when the time came, he said: “Well, I’m going to
go take this trip” and his wife said: “But we talked about this and
you said you wouldn’t go!” Then he was faced with the fact that he
had lied to her. Now, in order to go, he would have to bring her into
agreement and undo the hurt of the lie. By the time it reached this
point, he gave up and didn’t go.
This is how these folks often lose the opportunity to do what they
want, because they know that solving the communication problem
with their partner is more important than what they want to do. It
brings the relationship back into sync, but they are left feeling
resentful because once again they’ve sacrificed their own desires to
keep the peace. This is why they must be willing to “come clean”
from the beginning and let their partner see not only what they want
to do but why it is important to them. They need to sit down with
their partner and discuss their own desires and fears.
In the example, my client could have said to his wife: “There’s
something I want to share with you. It’s something that’s very
important to me, and my concern is that you’re not going to realize
how important it is. I’m concerned that you won’t support me, and
then I won’t do it.” This may seem manipulative, but it’s really an
honest voicing of concerns. Once acknowledged, the fears dissolve.
Then my client could have communicated his desired direction and
motive: “I want to deliver an airplane to a buyer in Turkey. It’s
important to me because I want to build my own business and
establish an independent income. It’s something that will give me
personal satisfaction and build my confidence.”
Once the partner sees that the direction Aries North Node wants
to take has a larger outcome, she has the opportunity to demonstrate
love by supporting him. If the partner still doesn’t support his
independent direction, Aries North Node should re-evaluate
whether the partnership is truly allowing for both people’s
individual growth.
Aries North Node people habitually put the other person first
and neglect feeding their own life force the energy it needs to grow
stronger. When they give up the direction of their own life, they
become weak on all levels;—they need their partner’s energy to
survive. They are learning the necessity of participating in activities
that excite them, as an individual.
Out of a desire to be fair, these folks often postpone making
decisions for themselves until they have consulted their partner.
Unfortunately, when they look at a situation from the other person’s
point of view, they may not be true to their own impulses for fear of
hurting the other person.
When in doubt, they can ask themselves: “Are my actions
making me feel good about myself?” If so, their best bet is first to
verbalize what they want, and then ask the other person what he or
she would like. It’s a simple technique, yet one that supports them
in being themselves in a way that is also fair to their partner.
For example, an Aries North Node person may be driving home
from work and sees a marquee advertising the new release of Gone
With the Wind. Instantly, her sense of excitement says: “Yes! I want
to see that movie with Tom!” Normally, she would go home and
say: “Hi, Tom! Do you have any plans for tonight?” And her
husband might respond: “Gosh, I’m exhausted. I thought we’d just
stay home, watch Monday Night Football, and take something out
of the freezer for dinner.” Being accustomed to diplomacy, tact, and
manipulation, she would probably respond indirectly: “I’ll bet it
would make you feel a lot better to go to a movie tonight and just
get out of the house.” “I don’t want to go out, and you know how
much I like Monday Night Football!” “I know, Tom, but we haven’t
been out together in such a long time . . .” At that point her
husband, feeling manipulated, would probably explode and insist on
staying home. She would storm off, feeling resentful and thinking:
“We never do what I want; we always have to do what he wants!”
Yet the fact is, she never even mentioned the movie.
A better approach is for the Aries North Node person to mention
her preference first, in a direct way, and then ask the other person
what he had in mind. She could have said: “Hi, Tom! On the way
home I noticed they’re showing a new release of Gone With the
Wind at the theater. I got so excited—I’d just love for us to go see it
tonight! Did you have any plans?” He would have said: “Gosh, I’m
exhausted. I was hoping we could stay home and watch Monday
Night Football.” Aries North Nodes are experts at compromise.
Once both positions are on the table, they can see a solution that
will be fair to both sides: “Well, I can see that you’re tired and the
only night for Monday Night Football is Monday night. So why
don’t we stay home tonight, and then tomorrow night we’ll go out
and see the movie.”
Owing to past lives of feeling manipulated and abused in
relationships, in this lifetime Aries North Node people are afraid of
relationships and marriage—recognizing that they have a tendency
to give too much and lose themselves. So although they are very
attracted to relationships, part of them holds back, preferring the
single life to taking the risk of once again losing independence.
Although in many ways they are natural marriage partners, they
may subconsciously sabotage close relationships before they reach
the stage of making a commitment. Or they may convince
themselves that as much as they long for a partner, they just haven’t
found the right person.
There are various modern-day solutions to their hesitancy: being
in a monogamous relationship and maintaining separate residences,
or living with their partner without a formal commitment. Marriage
can work if they have first made a conscious decision to be faithful
to themselves and their own integrity. Ultimately, it’s the same
challenge: first developing their own independent identity, and then
learning how to relate with their partner in interdependent and
cooperative ways.
Aries North Node people tend to think they need permission
from their partner before it’s “okay” for them to take independent
action. They start “checking in” with the partner in a childlike way,
indulging in extravagant manipulations and justifications to obtain
approval and support. They give away their power to their partner
and then feel they have to become adversarial to be themselves. Or
they may simply give up on what they wanted to do.
In this lifetime it works better for them to approach other people
on an adult level. This means letting their partner know their
intentions and plans with the energy of leadership, courage, and
excitement—without letting themselves or the other person know
how inwardly fragile they feel. If their partner has reservations, they
can explain that for their own self-discovery and personal growth
they need to go ahead with their decision—at which point the
partner will adapt and go along, or else they can begin negotiations
for how both people can win.
For their primary relationship to be successful, Aries North Node
people are learning the value of doing things by themselves and
pursuing activities that bring a sense of personal satisfaction. Then
they won’t need to “share energy” with just one other person in
order to be happy—they can expand and interact with many
different people while developing and strengthening their own
identity. Once they have developed their own sense of
independence, they can really connect with—and enjoy—their
primary partner, because each individual has something to offer.
Because their battery has been charged outside the relationship, they
have more energy to exchange within the relationship.
But Aries North Node people aren’t always clear about what they
want to do. It can be more difficult for them to make up their minds
than for many of the other nodal groups. These folks are always
trying to discern what others want, what they want, and what would
be fair in any situation.
Naturally, weighing all these considerations takes time. If Aries
North Nodes allow themselves to be pressured into making a hasty
decision, they are generally unhappy with the results. These folks
cannot allow themselves to get stampeded! When an emotional
component is introduced into the situation, they lose clarity and
become vulnerable to “going along” with something that may not be
in their best interest. They are learning not to make any decisions or
agree to anything under emotional pressure. When they feel this
kind of energy in a situation, the best thing is to say: “I’m not going
to make this decision under emotional pressure.” That will give
them time to regain balance and clarity. Or they could say: “It’s
going to take me some time to weigh what’s been said. Everything
sounds valid to me, but I need some time for it to settle in. I’d like
to continue this at a later date.”
Especially in personal relationships, they need to speak honestly
and directly. “There’s emotional pressure here. That’s not the way
I’m going to decide.” Their feedback gives the other person the
opportunity to become aware of what they are doing. It also
validates one of the facets of the Aries North Node person’s
identity: sensitivity to others and awareness of what is going on in
relationships. Being “up front” with their identity in this way helps
Aries North Nodes to gain strength and self-confidence.
SELFISHNESS
In this culture, selfishness is considered a negative quality.
However, Aries North Node people have overdone the quality of
selflessness in past lives, so now they must consciously practice
selfishness just to get back to center! The irony is that when they
take action that they consider “selfish”—trusting themselves and
acting on their initial impulse to do what makes them feel happy
and strong—later they find that it was actually the best decision for
everyone involved.
It can be tough for these folks to put themselves first. For
example, if they are at a party and not feeling well, it takes a lot of
courage for them to say: “I need to leave” or “Can you take me
home?” They’re thinking: “If I leave, what will others think? Do
they need me to be here to make it easier for them?” They become
so fixated on others that sometimes their bodies have to really
overreact to force them to pay attention to themselves.
When Aries North Node people acknowledge their feelings and
express their impulses, without having to be rational, it works for
everyone. After all, no one can see the bigger picture. In the
example, it could be that their need to go home will take the other
person out of a situation that, had they stayed, would have resulted
in a serious problem that no one could have foreseen.
Aries North Node people’s honest, impulsive responses
automatically bring justice to the circumstances around them. For
example, they may feel uncomfortable in a situation and say: “For
some reason I feel upset; I don’t know what it is.” Then the other
person may say: “Gosh—I bet when I mentioned _____, it triggered
that upset. That really wasn’t fair.” When Aries North Nodes
communicate in a nonconfrontational way, it gives others a chance
to recognize what they’re doing and alter their behavior.