CARCASSONNE
By the time Sandrine came away from the Café des Deux Gares, leaving Gaston to pack up the copies of Libertat for distribution, it was nearly ten o’clock. The Bastide was going about its daily business. An ordinary Monday morning. Suzanne went separately back to the rue du Palais to tell Raoul and Marianne that Sandrine was on her way.
Sandrine had one more job to do before she could go home, but every minute seemed endless. She hoped Robert would be on time. She walked past the Brasserie Terminus, feeling exhausted and jittery. The combination of little sleep and Liesl’s photographs of the atrocities perpetrated at Chalabre had set her nerves on edge. Even so, she realised it wasn’t just her. There was a high level of tension in the air. Everyone was more watchful than usual, anticipating trouble.
She crossed the boulevard Omer Sarraut, thinking about what might be the cause of it. Because people were already talking about the sabotage of the Berriac tunnel? Or the wireless broadcast about Authié? Her hands gripped the wooden handle of her panier tighter. Even those who didn’t know his name would understand that the arrival of a senior commander, dispatched from the north, signalled a new phase in the battle.
Without breaking stride, Sandrine looked in through the window of the Café Continental to see if Robert Bonnet was already there. He wasn’t, so she kept walking down rue Georges Clemenceau. She’d go as far as the junction with rue de Verdun, then come back again.
Just outside Artozouls, a group of men were coming towards her. Filling the width of the street, forcing other pedestrians to step out of their way, their voices loud and belligerent. Several different conversations seemed to be going on at once. Sandrine spotted Lucie’s father. She didn’t think Monsieur Ménard would recognise her, but she turned her face away all the same.
‘It was the Amazone,’ one of the veterans said as they drew level. ‘That’s what I heard.’
Quickly Sandrine stepped into the doorway of the nearest shop and pretended to be looking at the limited display of household goods.
‘Some tart? Bloody figment of your imagination, that’s all. Partisan propaganda to undermine us. Make the Milice out to be weak. Whipped by some female.’ A coarse burst of laugher. ‘It’s communists behind Berriac. It’ll come out soon enough.’
Sandrine waited until the men had gone into the Café Edouard, then stepped back into the street. She knew she had several nicknames – ‘Amazone’ being one of the most polite. Others were less complimentary: whore, lesbian, gypsy. She reached the junction, then turned round and started to walk back. Much as she hated to admit it, the truth was the sentiments expressed by the LVF were shared by many on their side too. There were plenty of partisans who resented even the idea of an all-female réseau. They believed that war was a man’s business and it offended their sense of honour. Flag, faith, family, they still clung to a Pétainist view of the world. Men like Raoul, Yves Rousset, Guillaume Breillac – even Robert and Gaston Bonnet, though they were of an older generation – were in the minority.
‘Amazone,’ she muttered, allowing herself a brief smile. As long as people refused to believe that a women’s network could exist, they were safer. A few insults was a small price to pay for that.
She looked back up the street and saw Robert Bonnet hurrying towards their rendezvous. She gave him a few moments to go inside, then slowly walked back towards the café.
Robert was standing at the counter nursing a glass of something that passed for beer. She walked up and stood at the far end.
‘Bonjour,’ she said to the proprietor. ‘Un café, s’il vous plaît.’
He nodded. Before the war, an unaccompanied young woman at the counter in a café by herself might have attracted attention, but not now. Everyone was busy trying not to notice anyone else. Sandrine stood in silence until he came back with the small white china cup and saucer.
‘Merci,’ she said, pushing a folded note across the counter. Inside it was a list of the places Robert would need to take the copies of Libertat, once Gaston had packed the supplies and Marianne had notified the couriers.
The proprietor took the note, rang up the amount in the till, then walked to the other end of the counter and gave the change, and the list, to Robert. Then he returned to the centre, took a glass and began to polish it with his tea towel.
‘Anything else I can get you, mademoiselle?’
Sandrine drank the foul chicory mixture down in one. ‘No, that’s just what I needed. A pick-me-up.’
He nodded. ‘A demain?’
Sandrine gave a sigh of relief. Perhaps things were going to be all right after all.
‘Yes,’ she said, raising her voice so Robert could hear too.
‘Tuesday it is,’ said the proprietor. ‘Market day.’
There was no one about when Sandrine got back to the rue du Palais. She left her basket outside the back door, to get rid of the smell of the fish, washed her hands again with washing powder Marianne had exchanged for some matches, then went upstairs and quietly opened the door to her bedroom.
The morning light filtered grey through the gaps in the shutters. As her eyes became accustomed to the gloom, she picked out the bureau of bleached mahogany against the wall between the two windows. To the right of her bed, the high-backed couch covered with washed green Chinese silk and the bamboo plant stand. Opposite, beside the door, the shelves of the low bookcase were almost empty now. They had hidden some of the books, now banned, in the cellar, not wanting to let them go. Others, of less sentimental value, they’d been forced to use for the fire in the salon during the bitter winters.
Raoul was still asleep in her child’s single bed. One arm above his head, the other flung wide, claiming ownership of the space. His hair, set free from oil or wax, was tousled on the pillow and the sheet was drawn up no higher than his waist, revealing his strong, though now thin, body. In the gathering light, Sandrine could see the shadow of rough growth on his chin.
She knew she had to wake him up. But, just for a moment, she let him sleep in peace. Before the Germans had invaded all of France, the murder charge hanging over him had kept him out of Carcassonne. Two years later, so very many men were criminals or in hiding that Raoul no longer stood out. It had made it possible for him to come in and out of Carcassonne from time to time.
Sandrine sat on the bed beside him and ran her fingers down his smooth tanned arms, so brown next to the white of his chest. She could feel the life moving beneath his skin, the hardship and strength of his hilltop existence. And when she remembered how they had spent the hours between dusk and dawn, she blushed, even though there was no one there to see.
Even after two years, Sandrine was still overwhelmed by the strength of her feelings. The way her heart leapt when she caught unexpected sight of him, the way the ground shifted beneath her feet when he smiled at her. In all that time, they had never spent more than a few days at a time together. She occasionally wondered whether, if they lived together week in, week out like any normal husband and wife, this sense of the miracle of emotion and need would fade. Grow tired, habitual? Was it only because they saw one another rarely and for such short periods of time that there was this intensity, this sense of being sick and weak with desire when they did meet? There was no way of knowing.
They all lived in the present. Even so, Sandrine sometimes allowed herself to dream of a time when she and Raoul might have the chance to grow weary of one another’s company. When the war was over and they no longer had to live in the shadows. The chance to become a dull, old married couple like any other, rejoicing in the mundane and the everyday.
‘Sandrine Pelletier,’ she muttered, trying out the name in her head. ‘Monsieur et Madame Pelletier.’
She sighed. Somehow, it didn’t suit her. Didn’t suit either of them, truth be told. It made them sound too grown up, too staid. Sandrine hugged her arms around herself, disliking the imprint of her ribs under her own fingers. She had grown thin, they all had. It suited Lucie’s prettiness and Marianne’s fine features, but she herself felt merely ungainly, all long arms and legs. A garçon manqué once more, as Marieta had called her when she was little.
In the bed, Raoul stirred and shifted position, though he did not wake. Sandrine looked down at him, astonished to see how open and trusting his face was in sleep, despite everything he had done and seen. The way he lived in the mountains.
‘Mon còr,’ she whispered.
Even those quietest of words were enough to wake him. Straight away, Raoul was alert. Eyes open, twisting round, his hand reaching for the gun he’d placed on the floor beneath the bed.
‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.’
His eyes focused on her, then immediately his expression changed and he smiled.
‘You’re back,’ he said, pushing himself into a sitting position and leaning against the headboard. ‘What time is it?’
‘Just after ten.’
He looked at her outdoor shoes. ‘You’ve been out already?’
‘Café des Deux Gares.’
‘Of course,’ he said, running his hands over his hair to flatten it down. ‘Was Liesl’s film any good? Anything you could use?’
Sandrine nodded. ‘Dreadful, but what we need.’
‘Did you get the edition finished?’
Sandrine nodded. ‘Printed and ready to distribute tonight.’
He put his hand on her waist. ‘So you have done your work for the day?’
He smiled, the same crooked-eyed smile that still made her heart skip a beat.
Sandrine laughed. ‘If only,’ she said, then the lightness faded from her face. ‘There’s something I need to tell you, something I just heard.’
‘Let it wait,’ he said, undoing the top button of her dress.
‘It’s important,’ she said, though she didn’t want him to stop.
‘So’s this,’ he said, undoing the next button, then the next, to reveal her plain white chemise underneath.
‘At least let me shut the door,’ she laughed, slipping out of his hands.
The latch snicked loudly. Sandrine stepped out of her dress, which fell like a pool of water at her feet, and walked back towards him. Slowly she raised her arms and pulled her chemise over her head, then removed her slip and knickers. Raoul lifted the corner of the sheet to let her under.
‘Welcome back,’ he said.
Sandrine lay in the corner of his arm, on pillows that still held the memory of him. She heard him exhale, a sigh half of relief, half of expectation, and she smiled. For a moment, they lay, arm to arm, side to side, her feet a little cold against the heat of his just woken skin. Then Raoul bent over her. Now Sandrine could feel his breath, whispering over the surface of her skin like a summer breeze. His lips dancing, his tongue slipping, sliding over her breasts. She gasped as he took her nipple into his mouth, licking, teasing.
Raoul raised himself on his elbow and reached out to the pocket of his trousers, lying on the chair beside the bed.
‘Wait a moment, I have something,’ he whispered.
Sandrine stopped him. ‘No,’ she said. ‘It’s all right.’
Raoul looked at her in surprise, with gratitude. ‘Are you sure?’
‘Yes.’
He lowered himself beside her and stroked the length of her arm with the back of his fingers, then moved his hand across her stomach, down to the space between her legs.
‘Mon còr,’ he said, echoing her words.
Gently he moved until he was covering her body with his, looking down at her. Sandrine met his gaze, then, without warning, threw her arms around his back and rolled him over, so that now she was sitting astride him.
‘That’s better,’ she teased. ‘I prefer the view from here.’
Raoul laughed and put his hands on her slim waist. She leant forward, letting her breasts skim against his chest, then gently eased him inside her, little by little, until she had taken the whole of him. For a moment he lay still, contained with her, as if resting.
She leant forward again and, this time, kissed him on the lips, then the hollow of his throat. She felt strong, powerful, as if at this moment she could do anything. A hypnotic, heavy heat seeped through her limbs, and her head was filled with the sound of her blood beating. She had no sense of time or space. There was only Raoul and the sunlight slipping through the gaps in the shutters.
Slowly, she began to move.
‘Sandrine.’
The word slipped from between his lips. She took his hands and held them against hers, palm to palm, fingers entwined. She could feel the force of him, the power in his tanned arms and firm thighs, a mirror of her own strong arms and legs. She kissed him again, and, this time, felt his tongue dart between her lips, hot and wet and hungry.
He was breathing harder, driven on by desire. An echo of her own feelings, emotions, need. They were moving faster now, Sandrine rocking against him, pushing his hands back against the headboard, the roaring in her head fiercer, separate from thought. She wanted to imprint the memory of his face on her eyes, the memory of muscle and bone and heat. The urgency of what she felt kept her moving on and on, until suddenly she felt the blood rush to her head, and held on to him as he cried out her name. He shuddered, then was still.
Gradually, the roaring in her head faded away too, until nothing remained but the hushed silence of the room. Sandrine leant forward, her head on his chest for a moment, hearing the rhythm of his heart slowing down, returning to its normal beat. Then, she moved and lay back down beside him.
Without intending to, they drifted to sleep. Outside, the sun grew stronger, climbing higher in the Midi sky. Safe in one another’s arms, they were unaware of the hours passing or the life of the house going on downstairs. For now, only for now, their universe was bounded by the four walls of the bedroom, the closed door, the wooden shutters keeping the world at bay.